Sugar seriousness

So...

The perinatologist did not put me on insulin yet. She wants to try changing up the medication dosages and times that I take the meds a little first.

That's fine, I suppose. I'm not sure how I actually feel about it.

But then she also gave me a real heart-to-heart, with a stern, serious-business tone, about what I eat, and how non-great I have been about eating right for my condition.

And unlike my meetings with the diabetes educator and the nutritionist yesterday, Dr. Rossiter did not give me a rosy picture of my current state or my future.

To begin with, she said I am "diabetic." Not pre-diabetic; not gestational diabetes. I do not have gestational diabetes, she said, because that is classified as having sugar issues after 28 weeks. I am diabetic, because my issues started so early. I'm just 22 weeks today and this has been going on since my first trimester.

Secondly, she said it is entirely possible that I will continue to be diabetic after the pregnancy. Lord, help me.
Everything I've read and all that the nurses and other folks have told me seemed to indicate that there was a high probability I would not be diabetic post-delivery. Dr. Rossiter agreed that we won't know for sure until after I deliver Curve Ball, but she seemed to be trying to prepare me for what research and science and her expertise indicates about me and my condition thus far.

Thirdly, she said I have GOT to change my diet, in a big way. No excuses. No short-cuts. Tastebuds and hunger pangs be damned! (That last part is my own editorial comment. She didn't actually say that.)

This is depressing for many, many reasons.

1. I don't want to be diabetic. I especially don't want to be diabetic this young. Both my grandmothers had diabetes, but they got the disease much, much, much later in life -- after they were already grandmothers. I have been struggling with my sugars since before I got pregnant with the boys. (And probably much, much longer. Now that I know what it feels like to have severe lows, I know I've been having them since I was a teenager, at least).

2. My pancreas' issues with producing insulin, and my body's ability to process the insulin will only degenerate with age, not get better. So this just means I have more time to get worse, more time to have to think about this, more time to worry about all the complications of diabetes that can come with age. More time to eat rabbit food in order to survive.

3. I want to be around for Cary, Dean and Curve Ball. I hate that I feel like I have an expiration date on my head already - at 38 years old.

4. (And here's where the whining begins): I really, really resent having to think so hard about EVERY SINGLE thing I eat, at every meal and every snack, every day and every night for the rest of my life. I really, really hate that there is so little I can eat that is good for me (sugar-wise) and that won't leave me feeling hungry all day. (Especially while pregnant! When I'm already starving!!)

Every-frikkin'-thing is carby! Breads, pastas, smoothies, oatmeal, juice, soda, fruit, rice, yogurt, frozen yogurt, waffles, French toast, sandwiches, hot dogs, burritos, raisins, Craisins, grits, cream of wheat, cold cereals, corn, peas, crackers, syrup, jellies, jams, chutneys, French fries, sweet potatoes, squash, chips, beans, tomato soup, chicken noodle soup, croutons, stuffing -- and of course, any and all desserts. (And we all know I have a raging sweet tooth!)

Here's what I can eat:

• eggs
• meat
• fresh vegetables
• nuts
• cheeses
• small amounts of Greek yogurt
• whole fruits in moderation
• milk
• water
• sugar substitutes in moderation

Here's what you need to know about that list:

Eggs - Since I found out that I was pre-diabetic and that almost everything for breakfast besides eggs was bad for me, I have eaten so many eggs, I really start to gag when I eat them now. I can eat maybe two bites of egg, and then that's it. Stomach churns. Fork down. I am TIRED of eggs.

Meats - I'm not a HUGE meat person. I'm not a vegetarian by any stretch, but unlike my husband, I cannot just eat chicken breasts as a meal. Or even juicy a steak. I need more! I like my old-school meat-starch-veggie mix at meals, and to be honest, I could really do without the veggies, if the meat and starch comes topped with a yummy gravy. I don't eat pork, and until I was pregnant with the boys, I didn't eat red meat. And frankly, I'm a little tired of chicken. P.S. Try going into a quickie-lunch-food-type store with your officemates when they go to buy bagels and muffins for a 3 p.m. snack and asking for a side of chicken. Just try it. I dare you.

Fresh vegetables - How many salads can a person eat? Seriously? How much baby spinach? How many carrots can I nibble on at my desk? Honestly, I LIKE corn and peas. Especially corn. Why is corn a bad food for me? Ugh!
And I prepare meals on the weekends to last all week, because I don't have time to cook on weeknights. It is really, really hard to prepare fresh vegetables on Sunday and have them still good on Thursday. So we eat a lot of frozen veggies, and apparently that's not so great.

Nuts/Cheese - Don't really like nuts, thanks. I'll eat cashews and pistachios most often. Then almonds, if there's nothing else. But I don't love any of them enough to want them every day. They're just OK. Which means I tire easily of having to eat them all the time.

And I really, really dislike most cheeses. I will eat mozzarella cheese and the cheeses that make up pizza, lasagna and only SOME mac-and-cheese dishes. I'll also eat American cheese, melted in eggs and grits. And -- once in a blue moon -- provolone cheese on a hot sandwich. But that is it.
No bleu, no feta, no cottage, no Muenster, no fancy Whole Foods stinky cheeses, no cheddar, no Swiss, no Parmesan.
When I do eat cheese, I like my cheeses melted. This does not bode well for me snacking on cheese all day. I am sitting here now eating a mozzarella stick because I'm starving, and it's kinda gross. Not as bad as if I had to eat a stick of cheddar cheese, but that's a bad comparison because I would never, ever do that.

Greek yogurt - Greek yogurt is OK, and I actually do eat Chobani, or some generic of Chobani. But the total carbs in one serving is more than the 15 grams I'm allowed to have for a snack. So I can only eat half of one if I'm being careful about my sugars. I don't know about you, but when I'm hungry, a half a yogurt just doesn't cut it. Neither does a handful of frikkin' nuts. Or a bowl of baby carrots and cherry tomatoes. I want something substantial. And that means carbs. (Waaaah!)

Fruits - LOVE them. All of them. Could eat them all day long if someone would let me. But again, 15 grams for a snack goes pretty quickly. 17 grapes, for example -and small grapes at that - are 15 grams. If I eat 17 grapes, I can't have any other carbs with that snack. And if I ate fruit all day, my sugars would be through the roof!

Milk - Love milk. But, seriously, I am not a newborn. A glass of milk doesn't fill me up or curb my hunger pangs. And I really, really love milk in oatmeal and Honey Nut Chex or Multi Grain Cheerios -- all which are BAD, BAD, BAD for me. And also, although milk has a good amount of protein, it also has amount an equal amount of carbs. So I have to watch it there, too. Same is true for peanut butter -- good balance of protein and carbs, but still carby.

Water - Water is pretty much all I drink all day, so I have no problems here. But sometimes I'd love a hot and frothy Starbucks drink (too much milk and sugary flavoring, even if I get it with a sugar substitute). Or a fruit smoothie. Or a milkshake or a soda. OR (when I'm not pregnant) a cocktail! Just about every kind of drink in the world besides water is carby. Tea, you say? I was born in Boston. I like my tea New England style: with lots of milk and sugar.

Sugar substitutes -- I have embraced Splenda as my saving grace, and I try desperately to ignore the scary reports that come out every so often saying all sugar substitutes are bad for you. The fact is, real sugar - in all its forms - is killing me as it is. If I want to have a cup of coffee with some Splenda, then please just let me be.

So there's my list of acceptable foods. Oh wait, I can also eat butter. I do love butter, so there's no downside there. Just wish I could put in on a hot roll, or a Belgian waffle, or candied sweet potatoes. Mmmmmm.

Of course, I can have almost all foods every now and then in small, ridiculously-unsatisfying doses. I have to count all carbs meticulously and be sure not to go over a very strict amount. And when I do splurge on say, a waffle, I'm supposed to pair it up with protein. Every carb that comes into my body is supposed to be paired with a protein. The mental gymnastics I have to do when thinking about what to get for any meal I eat (Is a veggie panini too many carbs? Is that artichoke salad enough carbs Or enough protein? How many grits is too many grits?) is really annoying and difficult and a pain in the you-know-what.

So...all that being said, what does this mean for me?

It means I am depressed. I want to be able to eat like everyone else can eat -- and only worry about gaining weight, not about having kidney failure in a few years.

It means I am scared. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle here. No matter how good I am about eating (if I can ever get past this mental block I have about it) my body is not getting any younger or any more efficient at dealing with insulin. I worry that I will have nerve problems, blindness or worse.

It means I feel sorry for myself. Why me, Lord? Why do I have this cross to bear? When eating is such a big part of our society (Let's meet for lunch! The girls are having a dinner! It's my birthday; we're going out to eat! It's the holidays; we're planning a huge meal! I heard you weren't feeling well; I made you a batch of chocolate chip cookies. We're having this important business meeting over lunch. I'm meeting a friend for coffee and muffins. A co-worker is leaving, so we're going out for drinks, etc. etc.) why do I have to feel so shut out of all of it?? Waah, waah, waaaaaah.

And it means I feel guilty. My baby is growing and developing inside of me and deserves the best start in life possible. And so far, I have bathed her in high sugars and worry and bitterness and non-compliance. I suck. I am whining about not being able to eat spaghetti or rice (God knows I love rice) or French toast or ice cream or chicken minis at Chik-Fil-A. And meanwhile, my baby is possibly developing in danger.
Wow...just typing those words makes me feel like crap, crap, crap.
Not to mention my feelings about what it would mean for Cary and Dean (and Lester and Curve Ball, too) if I were to be too sick to be of any real use to them, or if I were to die because I can't get this diet thing right.
When I think about them having to grow up with a Mom who's not her best self -- or no Mom at all -- I feel worse than crappy. I start crying, like I'm doing now. I feel horrible. What kind of mother am I? Why can't I just get with the program?

Needless to say, this doctor's visit has left me in quite a state. And I'm not really sure what I'm going to do about it just yet. I'm kinda tired of talking about it (I've been talking about what I can and can't eat ever since I was diagnosed with pre-diabetes four years ago). I'm tired of thinking about it.

I just want to go home, eat a bowl of cereal or some Chinese food (sigh) and go to sleep.

But instead, I will pray. And pray. And pray. For guidance and help and strength and miraculously-changed-taste-buds.

And then, if Cary and Dean cooperate (which they have NOT been the last few nights -- ugh! Whole different post there...) after I do all that, then I will sleep.

And maybe I'll feel better tomorrow.