"...but the years are short."

I have quite a few friends who have recently had babies.

They are exhilarated by their newest loves. They are also exhausted. Some, I can tell, are wondering how they will make it through the long nights and the topsy-turvy days.

I remember the feeling, oh so well. Keenly, I can remember my eyes burning from sobbing and sleep-deprivation. I remember my body's soreness, my fuse's quickness. And that out-of-body, nerves all a-fire, slightly manic feeling of being mother to a new human being -- a feeling that dissipates at moments, but never seems to fully disappear.

Or so it seems.

The fact is, my friends, you will get back to a semblance of normal. Not the old one, but a new normal, and the you you used to be will slowly return. You will get through these upturned days and bleary-eyed nights.You will flourish actually. You're doing so much better than you think you are.

If you can remember to in the midst, drink it all in.

Because one day, before you have time to really register that it has happened, this:

...will have turned into this:

Right before your very eyes.

And you'll think back on those nights of holding your baby close, while you were all she needed.

And your eyes will burn again - a warm and bittersweet sting. Because it's true, what they all told you.

The days are long. But the years are so, so short. 

Leap Day blues...

It's Leap Day and I think I might be baby blues-ing.

This morning, I sent (a version of) this e-mail to a friend, and it was good to get it out..:

I have a cold. It's kicking my butt, so in addition to being sleep deprived and still sore, there's that to contend with.

Clair is a lovely baby but not inclined to sleep alone at night. This is problematic as we are not the co-sleeping family, which you know. But I do like having her near. She's such a sweetie!!

The boys are ignoring her for the most part although Cary did say last night, as we were going up to bathtime, "Baby Cware comin too." I thought that was so cute! Dean had been handling her arrival just fine but this weekend he started being a real BEAR about every damn thing -- and I have no idea what to do about it. I feel like I'm constantly putting him in timeout, or speaking sharply to him or giving him the stern eyes or being generally disapproving because he has seriously gone nuts, girl! I don't know if this is just prepping for the terrible 2 year old madness, or if it's Clair-related or both.
But it is not fun.

Lester and I are stressed and tired and at each other's throats. We had newborn/family photos taken yesterday and they were fairly ruined by the fact that we'd been arguing for an hour before the photographer got here, and I'd been crying and I'm sick and he threatened not to be in the pics and by the time she got here I was exhausted and sad and less than enthusiastic about doing anything but going back to bed. Which I did. And I felt better after my nap. And he has since apologized. But I am nursing residuals. And we're just not clicking really. So even our non-argumentative moments seem tense to me. Or maybe distant.

My breasts don't work. I'm giving up the nursing and it's not really something I want to talk about much more beyond that because it makes me cry.

Did I mention I am a huge hormonal mess? I cry a lot (about things both happy and sad) and I know this is normal, but it is hard for Lester, I think. There's a lot of pressure on him. He's doing just about everything alone and his wife is weepy half the day. So if only for that reason, I'll be glad when things inside my body have balanced out.

I know this sounds quite gloomy, but I honestly am in love with my daughter and I have the sense enough to know that "this too shall pass." So I'm just trying to get through these first few very difficult months with as little collateral damage as possible. Ice cream is helping!! :-)

OK. I need to go scrounge around for breakfast. Lester usually brings me some in bed (that is something really sweet he's done) but today he had to run to the bank b/c the cleaning lady is here and we totally forgot she was coming, so we have no cash to pay her. So I guess he forgot about breakfast, today. It's OK. I don't blame him (at least for this). He really has been doing so much!! I suppose I need to remember my goal to be a more grateful person, yes?

As this was a note meant just for my friend, I had no problem with being perfectly open and honest with her. But putting it out here on the blog makes me feel vulnerable and whiny and a little bit crazy. I considered notposting it. But it is me at my most honest, and that is what this blog is supposed to be, right? Also, the more I re-read it, the more I think I may actually have a little case of the baby blues, exacerbated by a stupid head cold, and post-surgery soreness and sleepiness and a microscopic longing for things the way they used to be (simply because I was used to them that way.)

And baby blues is to be expected right?

So, putting it out there, I am! And I hope if anyone reads this, now or later, and is helped by me admitting very personal, vulnerable things, that I'll have done some good. It at least helped *me* to write it all down. What's the word? Cathartic, I think. Yes.

Meanwhile -- PHOTOS!!

This is what my daughter does between 10 p.m. and 3 a.m. Checks out the scenery, stares at me or the headboard, fusses some, flails some, and just generally wants to be social. Methinks I need to break out my sleep training book that we used for the boys. But she's just so little and cute and singular! Awwww!:



This is what she does during the day. Sleeps comfortably while on someone's chest (usually mine) and sleeps fitfully in her bassinet. But look how sweet and cozy she looks!:



This is what my boys do all day. Perpetual motion. Harass one another. Tantrum. Defy. Get sent to time-out:



And, as if on cue, they have become very "big brother"-like lately. Here, they are cracking up because I said "soup," and they mutated it into "poop." Just like any self-respecting big brother should. I gotta admit, this made me laugh out loud and giggle right along with them.
This is why children are awesome!



I may be baby bluesing, but it can't be that bad, because I look at these photos and all I think is, "Lord, I am so blessed and lucky. Thank you!"