The boys will be 2 years old tomorrow. I can't believe it. TWO years old. Time really is flying.
Last night, we had a regression moment, back to their baby days. Around 3 a.m., Cary woke up crying and whining. It turned out he had pooped and wanted it off, pronto, something that hasn't happened in eons. Lester got up to clean him up and Dean popped up, noticed that Cary was getting out of the crib, and cried, too. So it's 3 a.m., we have two babies crying, there's a poop that needs cleaning, and Lester and I had to work together to get it all taken care of -- boys tucked back in their beds -- and back to our own beds to catch a few winks before Clair woke up at 6.
We handled it smoothly, and without sniping. No cursing or exasperation. No panicking that a 3 a.m. wake-up call meant certain doom.
This got me to thinking about all the ways that Lester and I have grown as twins parents since the boys were born. And I thought I'd share some of the lessons learned, in the hopes that they might be of some help to parents who might read this later. I know two people having twins this summer,
Angel and
Elizabeth, and I especially hope to help them even a little if I can. But even new parents of singletons might find some of this useful.
In no particular order, here are my thoughts on the fears, anxieties and myths about having twins:
1. Fear #1:
We will never, ever sleep again. One thing we've learned in the last two years is that almost any superlative you use to describe your new state as a parent of multiples will turn out not to be the case. The fact is, you will sleep again. Your babies will sleep through the night at some point. Will you sleep like you did when you were a college student? No. But you will get at least something that resembles a full night's sleep, especially if you sleep-train, but even if you don't, before your child is out of diapers. And that might seem like an eternity from now, but it goes by fast. It really does. Keep this in mind when you're delirious from lack of sleep, or irritated with your spouse, or convinced that you will surely die if you don't get some sleep tonight.
2. Myth # 1:
At some point, our lives will get back to normal. Ummm, no. Not so much. Your lives will take on a new normal, but things will not be like they were pre-twins or pre-kids, even. Ever. Even once Baby A and Baby B are sleeping through the night, you will never be able to sleep like you once did -- like a rock, oblivious to the world, waking up in the morning when you darn well feel like it. This is a lesson that is best learned early. The sooner you accept the fact that you need to reimagine what you consider to be a "good night's sleep" (read: Get over it.) the much happier and less resentful you will be. And believe me, it is possible to feel some feelings of resentment toward tiny little creatures with big saucer eyes and nibbleicious toes. But more than likely, you will feel those resentful feelings toward your spouse, or "your life" in general. And those feelings are counter-productive. Accept the fact that your life has changed. Some things are much better (you have created life!) and some things, like a new sleep pattern, are neither better nor worse; they just are what they are. A wise woman told me once that with babies,
the days are long, but the years are short. It seemed more like an inspirational quote than a truth, at the time, but I now know it is fact, as I stare down the barrel at two babies who will be turning 2 tomorrow, seemingly overnight. Get over ruminating about how things "used to be" before your world was turned upside down by babies. Get over it fast. And just enjoy things how they are. 'Cause it'll be over sooner than you know it.
3. Fear # 2:
We will never leave the house again, or at least not without stress and tension. In the early days, the anxiety I felt around leaving the house was somewhat crippling. Taking TWO unpredictable infants out into the world, not knowing what I would do if one started crying or needed a diaper change or just wanted to be held, seemed impossible. So I mostly stayed in and felt jealousy when friends of single babies told me about all the fun Mommy-and-Me type things they were doing with their kid. Or even just the relative normalcy they were able to keep up: going to the grocery store, going to lunch with a friend, going anywhere that wasn't to visit a family member, at home, with helpful hands and beds around. But once I got over my anxiety, I was able to get out more and more. We both learned how to plan a little better and prepare for the outing. No, we couldn't just grab a baby, a diaper and wipes and roll out, like some of our friends. But we could get out. And as the boys got older and older, especially after they were confident walkers and consolidated their two naps into one, life got infinitely easier in the traveling department. Stressful screamfests in the car got eliminated when we turned the boys front-facing and popped a Sesame Street DVD in for them to watch on long drives. And it is heaven being able to transport the things that they need in one bookbag, instead of schlepping through town with a car full of equipment and supplies. Getting out with the boys now is actually a lot of fun (not perfect, of course) and relatively simple. But if you'd told me this when they were 4 months old, I'd have laughed at you. And then cried from the lack of sleep and the cabin fever.
4. Myth #2:
Having twins is double the fun. There's a funny NPR bit where a man with twins tells a friend that "twins" is a cutesy, misleading euphemism for "two f#*$%! babies at the SAME TIME." Truer words were never spoken. Having twins is hard work. If anything, it is double the work. It does have many, many wonderfully fun moments. Don't get me wrong. But it is only
double the fun for people who do not have to feed, change, rock, soothe, hold, medicate, clothe and schlep the two effing babies at the same time. It can bring double the anxiety, and double the stress, which means you and your spouse will have to be doubly good at communication. What also helped is that I was blessed to have a partner who readily took on his half of all the work. I had a baby; he had a baby. That's how it worked. He learned to do things just as well as I did, and some things even better. I look back on it now and see that we might never have worked better as a team than we did when we had two infants (AT THE SAME TIME!) Now, people will say to you, when you're out -- in the dumbest way possible -- "Double trouble!!" I disagree with that sentiment. My twins were a lot of things, but they were never, ever "trouble."
Note: Having twins IS double the love. That is absolutely true. Love times 2. And double the sweetness. Now that they're older, they're double the hilarity, too. And I am exponentially blessed.
5. Fear #3:
We will never have any money! OK, these are pretty lean times in the Davis household. Vacations are a memory. New shoes for mama only exist in catalogs. But we are not dead broke, much to our surprise. We've been good at budgeting and accepting gifts and hand-me-downs (I LOVE hand-me-downs). We have become better at shopping Craigslist instead of Nordstrom. Freecycle is our friend. Our biggest expense is child care (and that's even more expensive because we chose to have a nanny for the boys, so we sacrifice for that), and we hope to have even that reduced significantly in four to five years (hopefully!) And although we are not able to live it up like the Trumps, we do have all the things that we need and some of the things that we want. I think that's doing pretty good.
6. Fear #4:
I am going to lose my mind! The truth is, there will be times when you feel like you will most certainly lose it. But guess what? You won't. You will pull it together and make it happen for those kids, for your marriage, for your job and for yourself. You won't always be doing everything at 100-percent capacity but that is OK, normal, even for the best. You will learn over time to cut yourself and your spouse, friends and loved ones
some A LOT of slack. You will most certainly feel more forgetful, so you will learn to be more organized. You will see how quickly the stress of taking care of two effing babies at the same time can eat away at the harmony in your house, so you will work harder to keep the harmony, by picking your battles, and learning to laugh when you want to cry. Humor helps SO much. Graciousness helps even more.
7. Myth # 3:
You will have your hands full. If you could get a dollar for every time someone out there in the world says to you, "Boy, you sure have your hands full!" you would be 50 times richer than Oprah. Occasionally, they say it with a tone that implies, "Sucks to be you!" Or they'll just outright say, "Better you than me!" with a goofy grin. What we've learned is that our hands
are full, but our hearts are fuller. Our lives are richer. Our love is stronger. We had twin babies, preemies. Two babies needing our love, time, money and attention. We have twin toddlers now who need the same, and so much more. And we not only survived, but we are thriving. Our family is bustling, beautiful, full of the evidence of God's love, and ours. We have another baby now, too, and we're learning still more from her.
Our cup is so full, it runneth over. And we are happy.
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