Waiting to get back to exceptional me (or just me would be fine)

So a week or so ago, a crazy woman caused Facebook to implode by writing a ridiculous, bombastic post about how she looks down on women with kids. You can read it here, if you want to fall prey to her desperate plea for clicks.

Or I can give you the gist (this is directly pulled from her post):

If women can do anything, why are we still content with applauding them for doing nothing?
I want to have a shower for a woman when she backpacks on her own through Asia, gets a promotion, or lands a dream job not when she stays inside the box and does the house and kids thing which is the path of least resistance. The dominate cultural voice will tell you these are things you can do with a husband and kids, but as I’ve written before, that’s a lie. It’s just not reality.
You will never have the time, energy, freedom or mobility to be exceptional if you have a husband and kids.

Interestingly enough, with that last line, Crazy Lady hit me in the gut.

It's impolitic to say so, but I do feel like my life is basically on hold now that I'm raising children.

I'm doing OK, but exceptional I am not -- not at anything. Not at my career, or housecleaning or taking great care of myself, or at maintaining relationships outside of my home or at nurturing my intellect or broadening my horizons. I am doing pretty much nothing day-to-day, month-to-month, but working (to pay the bills) and raising my family. I am pretty good at wife and mother because I devote a lot of time and all of me to that. But I wouldn't say I'm exceptional at that either.

Yes, I know raising our family is important. And I chose to do it. It is an important choice and one that I do not regret.

But I honestly did not know, before having children, just how much of myself would have to recede for the children to get top billing.

Let me give a few examples:

*Sometimes I see something advertised, say, a class of some sort. And I think to myself, "Wow, that sounds so cool. I would really like to take that class." And then I note that it meets two nights a week for 10 weeks -- and there goes that idea. No way I can take two nights away from my kids for 10 weeks. No way do I WANT to.
 Or I'll note that the class costs $1,000. I can spend $1,000 to take a class for my own edification, or I can save that money for a better house in a better neighborhood/better school district, or to contribute to the OUTRAGEOUS costs of summer camp so my kids have somewhere awesome to go when school is out. Which one wins? My kids. Every time.

*When we had a decent snowfall recently and the roads were nasty, the company I work for closed its offices and asked employees to work from home. Schools were also closed and we told Michelle to stay home (if the roads were too bad for me to go to work, how could I ask her to risk driving in?). That meant there was essentially no "working from home," not while the kids were awake. It was a crazy day of trying to respond to email on my phone with one hand while swatting away kids who wanted my full attention with the other.  I had a headache the size of California by the end of the day from being half everywhere and fully nowhere all day long.
Meanwhile, Tom, my immediate boss whose kids are grown, drove carefully in to work and boasted the next day about how much work he was able to get done in our quiet, empty office. Lester glibly remarked, "If I was (the big boss), I'd hire all 'Toms' - people without kids who have nothing better to do on a snow day but come in and work." We laughed when he said it, but it's true. Without kids, Tom can focus - really focus - on work. He is devoted to this company. I love what I do, no doubt about it, but I am devoted to my family.

*I miss my friends - my old ones, my new ones, my sister, my Dad. We can manage to find snippets of time to chat on the phone or text or email, and every now and then we can slip away for lunch or drinks or dinner. But it's never enough time to really get that kind of soul-satisfying intimacy we used to get when we were childfree and could spend hours together while the hubbies were otherwise occupied. The love has not diminished, but my ability to really know what's going on with them, and them with me -- that is understandably diminished.  And so that's a part of me - a necessary part - that doesn't get fed as much.

*Some of you might remember me talking about how I have been feeling a pull lately to give back more -- really give back, not just sit on boards and donate money. Sometimes I think about devoting time at a nursing home or mentoring a young person - Big Brothers Big Sisters-like. But then I think: I don't have enough time with my own kids! When would I find time for another child? And if I'm really, really being honest, I also worry sometimes about introducing the potential for drama into my home. The kids who need the mentoring the most are often the ones with the most baggage. If it were just me and Lester, we could handle the baggage. We've seen enough of it in our own families to be quite expert at baggage. But should C, D and C have to deal with it too? I don't know the answer to that question, so I just put off thinking about it.

*I feel like crap because I don't take care of myself inside or out. (Another post coming on that...) My hair is really thinning and I need to see about it, but I don't have time to really care for my hair (or skin or nails) like I used to. I have gained 20 lbs., and cannot figure out a schedule that works for me to regularly work out. I just don't see how I can take THAT much time away from evenings with the kids or weekends with the kids and still get done everything else I need to do. I know other people do it -- I see them do it! I marvel at them! -- but I cannot figure out how to do it. Almost all my free time is spent with and for my kids and husband, with the exception of periodic board meetings or other obligations. But if I worked out as often as I went to board meetings, that would be 2x a month. Hardly worth it. Or is it? I don't know.

I know people will say this is a choice - that I find time to do the things I want to do - and to that I say, yes, they are probably right. It is my choice to spend my time with the kids and with Lester after work and on weekends. And I do not love working out. No secret there. But when there were no children, I did 30 minutes on the treadmill regularly, or power-walked around Lake Montebello. I went to hot yoga on weekends. I LOVED hot yoga. I really want to be fit again.

But I have a finite amount of time slots and the exercise slot got filled by children.
So did the friends slot. And the work-around-the-clock-and-still-have-time-to-volunteer slot. My slots are filled!! And I am TIRED!

Let's not talk about all the restaurants I want to try, all the countries I want to see, all the organizing projects in my house I so desperately want and need to do. (The bags and bags of photos and corresponding empty albums? Oh, how you haunt me.)

I could go on and on. But I won't. It sounds so much like complaining when I type it all out this way, and I don't mean it to sound this way. Truly.  And I know there are plenty of women who do all these things and more while still being completely devoted to their husbands and kids. Some of you who read this blog, for example, are so inspirational! I see you. I drop my jaw at your determination and awesomeness

Clearly, I am not one of those women. See? Not exceptional.

I believe I will get back to these things, back to more of myself, as my kids grow. So I'm not worried about it so much as I just think about it.

In the last three years, I have learned that "becoming" a mother means more than just giving birth to a baby. Instead, it is more like a transformation -- the slow "becoming" of something else other than what you once were. The more you become the one thing, the less you are the other. Like a tadpole becomes a frog, maybe. Or water becomes steam. It is a metamorphosis.

Sometimes I think about that and I wonder how it is I truly had NO idea that this was how it was going to be. When I was pregnant with the boys and contemplating family life, I really thought I would have the "time, energy, freedom and mobility" to do something else other than be a mother/wife. So far, that has not turned out to be the case.


I have not given up living so that I can be a Mom, but I have put a lot of my life on a back burner. And in so doing, I am not the me I once was.

The good news is I haven't lost myself completely. I am aware of the things I want and need; I still desire fulfillment from things outside of my family. And strangely, that makes me feel better. It would be pretty much a wrap, I think, if I was Mommy and wife and not one other thing and that was just A-OK by me. Just remove all the Tanika burners and replace them with baby burners.

But no. The burners are still there - just the turn of a knob away. I just wish I knew how long it would be before I'm able to reach them again.