Agreement isn't necessary. Understanding is.

I don't know why, but I always feel like I need/want to explain myself about why it's important to us to send our kids to private school.

Maybe it's because we're friends with such liberal, pro-public-school people, so we don't want to be seen as "those people" -- the pretentious private school people who think they're better and whose kids are preppy assholes. Also, we're going to be flat broke for the next 20 years, so we know people think we're crazy and wonder why the hell we would do that to ourselves. :-)

It also might have something to do with the fact that, even within our own families, there's still a tension between "bettering oneself or one's own family" and so-called "acting" or "wanting to be" white. (And yes, this is a real thing, despite people who want to believe it's not.)

Navigating both dynamics -- friends who don't understand your choices and family members who fear you're judging and abandoning them -- is trying, to say the least.

I always seem to become very inarticulate when I try to make our reasons known.

But this article, even though it's old, really gets to the large and small of it. 

Here's the link: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=114327591

Most of you know my family background, and Lester's. So perhaps you can see how it is that we see ourselves in some of the imagery here.

No reason to read or listen to this right now, of course, but if we're close (you know who you are), I do want you to give it your attention, if you have the time and the inclination.

We know that private school is not "the answer." We know there are pitfalls and peer pressures wherever they go. In fact, there's a whole slew of new worries we're taking on by sending our children to a school where they'll be surrounded by privilege, potentially isolated, and exposed to vices we likely can't even imagine. And who knows how we'll feel once they actually get there. We could be singing an entirely different tune in a year or five.

But for us, right now, moving out of our neighborhood and sending the kids to private school seems like the best choice for our family.

I know we don't have to explain ourselves to anyone. And maybe you still won't agree with us, even after reading/listening to this. That's really OK. We don't have to agree.

But it would mean a lot for the people I like and love to at least understand.

Switching schools

OK folks, so it has now been two full weeks since my last post. That is the longest I have gone without blogging since I began this venture (other than when I was newly home from the hospital with Clair and not sure what time of day it was or if I was going to throw myself off the roof of my house.)

I'm leaving for Portland, Maine tonight with my two big bosses for client meetings, so I am really just waiting to head to the airport, which means I have a few minutes of "down" time and can actually blog! Now is as good a time as any, I suppose, to get out the post I've been trying to write about why we're switching the boys to a new school.

There are soooo many reasons, the two biggest ones being: Our family experiences, and racism in America.

 I'll just start with one reason here -- our family experiences -- and get to racism -- a huge and hairy post - another time.

Here goes.

Lester and I are both fans of and products of public schools. I covered public schools as an education reporter for years. My mother and sister are public school employees. I sit on the board of a public charter school. But in Baltimore, the public schools are CRAP. Crap with a capital horrible. There are a few schools that are OK, but you have to live in those zoned areas to go to them. And as you can tell from my many rantings about how much I want to get out of our neighborhood, we don't live in those zones. The charters are another option, but there's a lottery, so no guarantee, and also most are still fairly newish. So their track records are still gelling. Our options, then, are to move or go private.

Moving would make the most sense, honestly. We'd get out of our neighborhood into a better one, with a yard and neighbors our kids could grow up with. And, ostensibly, the schools in the neighborhood we moved to would be much better. But we're in no position to move right now, because of the darn housing market crash. Our house is a million thousand dollars under water. We couldn't sell this house without taking a huge loss. We don't expect that to change anytime soon, so when we do move, we'll be renting, I think. That's another story altogether.

But the biggest reason we chose private has to do with our family situations. Lester and I both come from families where we have witnessed firsthand the damage that can be done when kids are sucked into a peer group that is going nowhere fast. Of my four siblings, only one went to college. The others, to put it bluntly, are drains on my parents, even though all are adults with children of their own. With two educated, loving, present parents in their lives -- they still fell victim to the mediocre public school education in our going-downhill neighborhood. They were more concerned about being "cool" than preparing for the future. Our parents were (and are still) wonderful, but they have no network. So when the time came for my siblings to outgrow their immaturity and make up for lost time, their windows had closed and my parents had no friends in solid places to help them. I believe my parents will go to their graves taking care of my grown siblings. And my siblings' kids will repeat this cycle. It is a hard, hard thing to say this. I love my siblings dearly. I would do almost anything for them, and their kids especially. But the truth is, bad neighborhood + mediocre education equals not much of a life for any of them. (Aside from my baby sister, who is doing quite well.)

I don't want that for my kids.

In Lester's case, his family has even fewer examples of "success." But the one who stands out most is his cousin Joshua, who was like a brother to him. I remember how proud Lester was the day we dropped Joshua off at college in West Virginia (notice it was me and Lester), after spending hours and hundreds buying him a foot locker, a refrigerator, shower shoes and tons of packs of Ramen noodles.

Lester thought Joshua had beat the odds. With Lester's love and attention and sacrifice, Joshua had made it to college. But the pull of the old neighborhood -- and his old friends -- was too much for Joshua. Over a break in his freshman year, while hanging out in a city basketball park, Joshua was shot in the back of the head and died.

The neighborhood and the peer group were, quite literally, the death of that promising young man.

We have not really gotten over it. We likely never will.

Lester and I are not naive enough to believe that we can protect our children from making bad choices or being attracted to the wrong people. And we're certainly not naive enough to believe that private schools aren't FULL of some of the "wrong" people. But we hope that we can try to make a difference somehow by sending them to this very sweet Quaker school -- with its emphasis on peace, and community.

We hope we can protect them even just a little bit more than we could if we sent them to the city's public schools.

There's more -- but I have to run! Gotta go to the airport!

Giving your kids the best you can, Part 1

As part of his job, my husband is taking part in a springtime baseball tournament here between the city's public and private high schools. It's a really great idea, because the city public school kids get to play on the beautiful fields of the private schools, and against the well-heeled players who have more advantages (generally) than they. They also get exposure (scouts, newspaper write-ups, etc.) And both the public and private school kids get to experience new things and meet -- and have fun with -- new people. Win-win for everybody!

We've taken the boys to two rounds of the tournament, one on Saturday and one yesterday. Cary and Dean barely notice the games, and just love all the open space and the freedom to run and fall and people-watch. I love their little wind-chapped cheeks and grass-stained knees when we leave the baseball field. They are probably their happiest when we are outdoors. It does my heart good!

Seeing them out there, on high school fields, with all the high school boys, also makes me think about their eventual high school years, and the tough decisions we'll likely have to make (if we're still in Baltimore) about public vs. private school.

Lester and I both are products of public schools (though, coincidentally, we both also spent some time in Catholic schools as young children) and turned out just fine. We both believe in public education, and know enough to understand that the schools are only as good as 1) the taxbase supporting them and 2) the parents and community members involved and invested in them.

But the three school systems we're most linked to (the suburban Maryland system I graduated from; the D.C. system he graduated from, and Baltimore's, where we now live) are HORRIBLE. There's no other way to put it. They are deplorable. I just cannot see how we would ever send our kids to horrible schools, no matter what our political beliefs are about public education.

And the thing is, it's not just academics that we worry about (although that's first and foremost). Lester and I are both keenly aware of the power of the peer group. And we know that at a certain point, children demote the value of their parents' opinions in favor of their friends'.

That's why I always say, "It may be true that you can't pick your children's friends. But you can damn well try."

That means putting them in environments where they will be around people whose values are most like ours, whose outlook on life and leisure and hard work and integrity are most like ours. It doesn't mean we don't value diversity. We, of all people, know the importance of that. But diversity of race, income, religion, cultural background, etc. is something way different than diversity of core values. Unfortunately, most of the public schools in this area don't provide much diversity in either area, if I'm honest. So our choices as parents are really tough, and no matter what we decide to do, it won't be ideal. Something will be sacrificed.

Nevertheless, in addition to doing all we can to help give the boys a foundation at home of responsibility and love of learning, etc., Lester and I plan to do whatever we can to give them every advantage we can when it comes to where we live and where they go to school. We'd love nothing more than for that to mean public school (FREE school for three kids?!! Sign me up!) but if we can't find what we're looking for, we will live paycheck to paycheck and work really long hours and sacrifice vacations and dinners out and new clothes etc., to be able to send them to a private school that fits us and our ideals. It sucks. I know. But what choice do we have?

I know people will judge us. Some in our own families will, in fact. But we will do what we have to do for these children to give them every possible advantage. And then we will pray for God's help and protection. People can judge all they want.

Sadly, we know we will not be able to protect them from everything. The Trayvon Martin case -- which has blown up so big as to have even gotten a reaction from our nation's President -- reminds me of what my sons will face in this world, no matter what Lester and I do to try to prepare and shield them. And the way many people reacted to the fact that an adorable little black girl was cast as a beloved character in The Hunger Games movie shows me what my sweet little Clair will be up against as well.

Sigh. Sigh. Double sigh.

I'll need time to sort out my many feelings about that last paragraph in a somewhat coherent way.

So stay tuned for Part 2 of this post.