Three photos that tell you a little something about my children

I am often snapping photos of the kids with my iPhone. Most of them are pretty crappy, because it's the iPhone (and an old one at that -- with the sucky camera) and I'm not a great photographer.

But a photo isn't all about the technical execution of it, right? Beauty, lighting and composition are important, yes, but what's even more important is what the photo means to the viewer.

So when I was looking back through my collection of phone photos and came across these three photos, I felt really proud of my incessant snapping. Because somehow, I captured something really core about each of my children -- without even really trying.

 Clair:

 
At first glance, this looks like a photo of Clair sleeping sweetly in her crib. She is a pretty champion sleeper, but that's not what got me about this pic. Look carefully. Do you see the green and pink things decorating her blanket and sheets? Yes, well those are supposed to be decorating her wall! Remember that tree I spent 90 minutes applying to the wall behind her crib, when I was pregnant with her - and had a raging head cold, to boot? This is what has become of it. She peels the stickers off the walls and tosses them around her crib, or flings them on the floor. Why? Because she can.
My Clair is always, always getting into things. She is always doing something stereotypically toddlerish. She is a silly, mischievous little rascal, and I LOVE it that this photo of serenity is accented by evidence of the A+ she gets every day in Advanced Level Nuisance.
Also...I just love her so much. I crept into her room to take this photo and -- even though she had clearly just been destroying my decorating work -- my heart just overflowed watching her sleep.

Dean:

I have said before that Dean is a do-er and a helper. But the older he gets, the more and more those traits show through. He is SUCH a help to me and to everyone around him -- even when you don't actually *need* his help, he insists on giving it. He has been asking and asking to help wash the dishes (I know right? Who does that?), and I usually say no because ...ain't nobody got time for that.
But on this night, I said yes. And lo and behold -- this child actually paid attention when I showed him how to wet the sponge, turn off the water, soap up the sponge, wash all the surfaces of each dish, rinse the dish and then put it in the dish drain. After I showed him ONE time, he did it himself with such precision and conscientiousness, I was shocked. He did a great job! And he was so proud of himself. I love how helpful my little boy is, and how much he enjoys being a caretaker. Lester and I still could do much better finding activities that satisfy his need to be cutting, banging, fixing, fiddling, doing. And we are going to really make an effort to do that, because he really loves being up in the mix so much. But in the meantime, until we find some kind of toddler shop class or some such, we have a ton of chores he can do! :-)

Cary:

I love this photo -- which I took because Clair was being so silly, pretending to sleep in the kitchen (fake snoring and all). I snapped it because of Clair, but then I realized that it is really illustrious of Cary's wonderful bookworm personality. At night before bed, he reads. In the morning, when he is supposed to be getting himself dressed, he reads. In the middle of craziness (baby sisters sleeping on the kitchen floor?), he reads. He reads books, magazines, catalogs, pamphlets, the local pizza shop flyer. If it has words on it, he studies it, every page, brings it to bed and hoards it. When it was his turn to pick something to bring to school to share with his class this week, he chose his High Five magazine. And when he is into his "reading," it is SO hard to tear him away. I can't tell you how many timeouts we've had to threaten because he gets so engrossed in whatever he is reading and it's like he honestly just blocks out everything else. He reminds me a ton of the way my mother describes herself at this age. Lazy as a lima bean; not the most social child; always, always with her head in a book. How did I give birth to my mother, y'all?

I love these three little human beings. And it is SO much fun getting to know who they are.

Go wash the dishes, Mom!

The other night Cary said to me, "Mommy, we don't need your help anymore with this puzzle. Go wash the dishes."

Go. wash. the. dishes. Wait...what?

It's not so much that my 3-year-old had the audacity to order me to do something (Cary has a long way to go toward understanding his tone, and also what is appropriate to say to adults and what is not. We are working on that. Daily.)

It's that he ordered me to wash the dishes! What is this? 1950?

Careful readers will remember a post from a while back where I detailed the chores-breakdown at our house. In it, I noted that Lester actually washes the dishes the majority of the time in our house. I do my fair share, but it just ends up a lot of times that he does the dishes. So where did that sexist statement come from?

His statement (command?) reminds me of this Modern Love piece: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/10/06/fashion/a-feminists-daughter-finds-love-in-the-kitchen.html?emc=eta1&_r=0

I read Modern Love all the time, but this one was one of the most beautiful and nuanced posts they've run, I think.

It's about a daughter of the feminist movement, her complicated relationship with her own mother and how it colors her relationship with her 10-year-old daughter. It starts off when her daughter lists reasons why she loves her.

"You make my lunch most days,” she began, “and you make dinner,” the blogger says. Other observations followed, including that she was “huggy” and “smart.” But first came the kitchen.



The post goes on to explore the writer's many feelings about being connected to the kitchen. "Why does food service count the most?" she wonders.

But in the end -- as she revisits her childhood, kindly, but not rosily -- she comes to the conclusion that it's not so bad being associated with the kitchen, a warm place where people are fed and nourished in various ways - all important. She says:

I know how much the mundane care of children matters. That is why I stop work when the school day ends and greet my daughter with a hug. I may be tired, stressed out or grumpy; I may bemoan the confinement, the repetition, the career limits. But I do it anyway. I pull away from paid pursuits and open myself to the opportunity to delight in my daughter.

My delight comes freely, inspired by a leggy girl with rich brown eyes who has just come home. But our time together is about more than delight. When I hand her a snack and look into her face, seeking the stories of her day, I intend for her to feel how much she matters. She matters more to me right then than anything I could be doing without her. And we will not have these afternoons forever. 

We will not have these afternoons forever. Or these evenings on our floor between dinner and bedtime, playing Legos, reading books, tumbling off the sofa, playing "monster" or doing puzzles.

Which is why I ignored my child's tone, and his directive, and kept right on helping.

Those dishes can wait. So can the lecture on feminist history. 

And one day in the not-too-far-off future, it'll be Cary's job to do the dishes. 

Not your grandparents' chore list

My sister sent me this Q &A article today about a woman she thought would resonate with me for two reasons:

1. She had a unique story to tell and couldn't get an agent/publisher interested, so she started her own publishing company and did it herself! (You go, girl! I'm taking notes!)

2. Her story was about fatherhood, looking at it differently, based on her experience as a Mom of 2, and having her husband step up to the plate in a major, major way.

This author's experience got me to thinking about how much Lester does in and around the house, and for and with the kids. I started mentally listing the things he does, and then I started feeling self-conscious. Like, "Dang! What the heck do I do?" LOL.

When I actually thought hard about it, I am quite impressed by not only how well we divide the work in our family, but also how we defy a lot of gender norms -- Lester especially. This is not by design. We did not set out to be gender-neutral, necessarily (and in some cases, we're decidedly gender-norm-believers, like I ain't going in that alley with the rats, so I will NOT take the trash out. Sorry, feminist friends. I ain't doing it.) We just do what comes most naturally to either of us, or what we like to do (Lester loves grocery shopping; I like keeping the calendar, etc.) and it just works. Thank God.

Anyway, here's a look at how we do things in our house, broken out by partner:

Lester:

• Does all the laundry washing and folding
• Weekdays - gets the kids up, dressed and teeth brushed. Gets them their breakfast (cereal, mostly)
• Bathes the kids most nights/Brushes their teeth
• Does about 60-percent of the dishes
• Cleans out the refrigerator
• Takes out trash/recycling
• Changes our sheets
• Straightens our bedroom
• Mows the lawn/Handles yard work
• 8 times out of 10, mops and/or polishes the floors
• Handles all the finances - bill-paying, budget-making, taxes (Except I handle check-ins with the financial planner)
• Handles insurance matters
• Does all the grocery shopping and most of the Target, etc. shopping
• Handles almost all repair orders (calls plumber, exterminator, Comcast, etc.)
• Researches and plans most vacations
• Keeps track of car maintenance
• Reads to kids, plays with them 
• Is a softie when it comes to discipline
• Sets goals/rules for family

Tanika:

• Makes the grocery list/plans the meals
• Weekends - gets the kids dressed (they get themselves up) and teeth brushed
• Does all the cooking (except for some wonderful pancake breakfasts on some weekends)
• Does 40-percent of the dishes
• Bathes the kids when Lester's out at a meeting or the gym
• Changes the kids' sheets
• Straightens up the house
• Does the kids' hair (except that Lester cuts Dean's hair)
• Shops for/orders the kids' clothes/shoes
• Arranges doctor's/dentist appointments
• Handles retirement matters
• Handles almost all school-related stuff
• Researches and buy developmental stuff (toys/books/educational stuff)
• Picks out kids' clothes 
• 8 times out of 10, cleans the bathroom
• Plans and maintains ours and the kids' social calendars
• Buys gifts
• Reads to kids, plays with them (I do more singing and more "purposeful" play, I'd say, meaning I plan out what things we're going to play [because I'm TYPE A!] and Lester does more freestyling play.)
• Is stricter about discipline
• Sets goals/rules for family

As you can see, we do pretty well when it comes to fairly evenly dividing up the tasks that comprise running a household/maintaining a family. And we do it (mostly) without consternation or argument. Although as the chief laundry-doer, Lester probably would say my inability to put my clothes away after he's folded them is a major pet peeve. I do suck at putting my clothes away. Sorry, Les.

(Yet another reason why I need a new house, with a huge walk-in closet, where I can hide all my sins!)

Anyway, I look at this list and what it says about us --and the example it's setting for our kids -- and I am pretty proud of us. Yay for fair divisions of labor! Yay, us!

Note: I also look at this list and think:

Who does the real cleaning? (Miss Teresa, the once-a-month housekeeper. Sadly.)
Who the hell cleans out the oven? (No one.)

How do you guys divide up the work? Is it purposeful or accidental the way things fall in your house?