My hilarious hellraiser

I have never been parent to a little girl before, and I don't know all the little girl children who have ever lived, so I know this is a totally unscientific statement. But, hear me when I say: Clair is the craziest, funniest, most maddening human child to ever walk the Earth.

She will be 2 in a couple weeks and she has already hit the terrible 2s most terribly.

She doesn't just defy, she laughs maniacally when defying. She doesn't just refuse to unhand the thing you're telling her she can't have, she hurls it across the room like a shot putter. She doesn't ask for anything, she SCREAMS for what she wants -- ear-piercing, relentless, nerve-grating screams.
She hits. She spits. She throws her food off her plate when she's done eating. She shouts, "GOOD!BYE!" and storms out of rooms. She terrorizes her brothers and confounds her parents.

She is, quite simply, a piece. of. work.

And then...just when you have decided to pack her up and ship her to Siberia...just then she:

Befriends a little girl at her Saturday tumbling class:

Loves all up on the patient, sweet "kitty" (AKA miniature Schnauzer) at a SuperBowl party:

Climbs up at a keyboard and says, "I sing Farm, Mommy. McDonald Farm," and plunks away:

Takes pity on her poor father (this was in an email to me):

I just asked her for a kiss and she said no.

I pretended to cry and she said "Ho On, daddy. I readin. Finish. Then kiss. OK?"

I said, "OK. But how long do I have to hold on?"

"I READIN! Wait I finish. OK?"

"OK."

Then she closed the book, leaned in and gave me a kiss. Ha. She's too funny.

 

And sees God in everything around her (also in an email from Lester):

 

Showing me the football helmet stamped on her left hand:

Me: Who gave you a helmet?

Clair with a mouthful of cereal: GeeZus

Me: Jesus?

Clair: Yas.

Me: Jesus put that helmet on your hand?

Clair: Yas. GeeZus gave me Hal-mut.

Me: Well OK.

 

(Note: She got the football helmet after her tumbling class. A cheerful 20-something named Amberlee gave it to her.) 

Hahahaha! Too funny.

 

Clair never fails to lean in and hug a crying Dean, or say, "God bless you, Cary" when he sneezes. She asks, "What matter you, Mommy? You OK?" when you cough and she always shares her last bit of chauk-wit (chocolate) with anyone who asks.

She cracks us up; she makes us want to cry. She is a hilarious, heart-warming hellraiser.

I couldn't be more delighted with her -- or more afraid of the pre-teen and teenaged years.

Pray for us. :-)

Kids say the darndest things

The boys say and do the funniest things. Here's a sampling:

After dinner, I'm in the dining room and Lester leads the boys through the kitchen, headed for upstairs. I hear quiet, quiet, quiet ... and then:
 "Mommy! Mommy!" They run over to the dining room and look at me urgently.
"Yes," I say.
"Daddy give us chips!"
 I make an exaggerated gasp. "Chips! Daddy gave you chips??"
Then they turn to Lester, who is hiding behind the wall between the dining room and living room.
They both wag their fingers at him and say, sternly, "Daddy!! Not supposed to give us chips! Not to give us chips any-MORE!!"
Then they crunch happily on their chips.
"Thanks boys, " Lester says. "Thanks a lot."

Playing on the floor with Dean and Cary, I say to Dean, "Baby, please don't throw the Legos. Just build with them. OK?"
Dean: "I'm not a baby! I'm a little boy!"

At the dinner table, Cary is whining incessantly. I ask him repeatedly what's wrong, but he just whines and rubs his eyes. I decide to ignore him.
Finally, he says to me, "Mommy, I'm sleepy. I'm sleepy in my eyes."

Outside playing with the next-door-neighbor kids, the older girl is trying to teach Cary and Dean how to throw a Frisbee. Her younger brother keeps stealing the Frisbee and tossing it. Exasperated, she says, "You're getting on my nerves!"
Later, I spy Cary in the neighbor's flower box, tugging on a plant. He pulls a leaf off and I say to him, "NO! We do not pull on plants. Leave it alone Cary."
He looks over at me and says, "Getting on my NERVES!"

Cary asks me to turn the music on.
Sure, I say. What do you want to hear?
He thinks for a second and then says, "John Mayer."

Dean has started asking for food and drink at all times, even when he's just eaten. He will go down the list of things he "wants," I guess hoping we'll give in if he asks for the right thing.
"Mommy, I want some nack (snack)," he says.
"No, you just had dinner. You don't need a snack."
"Mommy, I want some fruit."
"No."
"Mommy, ummm...ummm...I want some agua."
"You just had water, sweetie. You finished it. It's time for your bath. No more to eat or drink tonight."
"Mommy?"
"Yes, Dean."
"Ummm, I want, I want...ummm...I want some wine."

Cary, in the bathtub, spies his private parts.
"Mommy!!" he says, excitedly. "I have pink on my p****."
"Well, yes, I guess that is pink there," I say.
He studies it, carefully. And then says, "MOMMY!"
"Yes, baby."
"Not green on my p****."
"Ummm. No.," I say. "Not green. Be very glad for that."

HA!!!!

You bring the troot; I'll bring the poptorn. O-taaaaay?

Thinking about how my boys' language has exploded recently makes me also think about how cute some of their words/phrases are.

They crack me up with their little voices and hysterical (mis)pronunciations. And I've noticed a definite pattern: They start a lot of words with "T", "Tr", "D" and "Dr"...and no one knows why.
See for yourself:

Cary = Tary
Fruit = troot
Granddad = Dranddad
Floor = droor
Van = dran
Crying = trying
Cook = took
Phone = tone
Feet = teet
Kiss = tiss
Fork = tork
Frog = trog
Corn = torn
Popcorn = poptorn
Milk cup = milk tup
Good job = doodjob
Cereal bar = tereal bod (Cary); tereal bog (Dean)
Pancake = pantake
stop sign = top tine
Oh my goodness = oh my doodness
sing-a-long = tingarong
c'mon = tum on!

Here they are with their "tun-glasses:"

And then there are just funny little ways they put words together or pronounce them:


I'm running = Running me
Do it again; one more time = nother gen (Another again)
Please = pee pease OR puh-leeeeze
Music = muick
Blueberry = boobury
children = childrens
oven mitt = oven mitten
avocado = avocadonu
Mr. Potato Head = mashed potato head

There are many, many more. These are just the ones I can think of off the top of my head.

Funny, no? I'm glad to get these down, so that when they're teenagers, with earbuds permanently attached to their heads, and very little to say to me :-(, I can look back at this, remember their little voices and cute little words...and smile.