On the way back, Dad and Mom stopped at our house for breakfast. Lester made pancakes from scratch. I made cinnamon apples. We ate until we were stuffed, and sat around the table talking about the latest NFL scandal involving a football player who "disciplined' his 4-year-old by beating him with a switch until he tore the skin and left marks that were visible three days later. This turned into a debate about spanking vs. not spanking.
While we were debating, the kids were entertaining themselves, sometimes watching TV, sometimes playing with toys, sometimes running through the house making a lot of noise. We pretty much ignored them, because we keep trying not to hover quite so much -- "benign neglect" for their benefit and ours. And the discipline debate was pretty passionate, so we also kinda forgot about them. (Just being honest.)
And then Dean decided to play barber shop and cut two huge chunks out of the side and back of Clair's hair:
.JPG) |
| This is more hair than it looks like, because her hair is so tightly coiled. Today, my poor daughter has a combover -- a look she will be rocking for many months to come. |
I posted this status message on Facebook about it:
Parents and grandparents downstairs at the breakfast table, passionately debating old school vs. new school ways of disciplining children. To make the discussion less hypothetical, my helpful boy decides to cut huge chunks out of Clair's hair. Grandparents leave after breakfast -- smug.
Which makes the irony of it all seem kinda funny. Oh, kids -- they sure have good timing. Ha. Ha. Ha. And I suppose I can see how at a certain point, it will be funny. But believe me, as I combed through her hair and more and more curls kept coming out into my hand, I was almost in tears.
Here's my dirty little secret: I wanted to spank Dean. I really did. I wanted to yell and scream and really punish him. I felt like he needed to know how serious what he did was. I could totally identify with that parental urge to make him understand his crime, and instill in him a fear of repercussions that would make him never, ever do that again.
But I didn't --WE didn't, Lester and I. Instead, we made him go to his room and lie down - separated from us, his grandparents, the TV and the cinnamon apples. He stayed there for three and a half hours (he fell asleep).
If I had not just been arguing with my parents about my belief that we can raise our children to be well-behaved, respectful and good decision makers without spanking them, would I have chosen that way of punishing him? I think I would. I hope I would. And here's why:
Aside from the obvious arguments about respecting a child's personhood, and about the hypocrisy of teaching children not to hit when we, ourselves, him them, I just don't believe in my heart of hearts that spankings work. I think they make children fearful, yes, but not of the thing parents hope. In fact, I think they only serve to make them fear YOU.
I don't want Dean to fear me. What I want is for him to learn to better regulate his impulses. I want him to try harder to remember that scissors are for cutting paper and paper only. And that he is not supposed to even handle scissors when an adult is not around. We've told him these things many times, but I believe this kind of learning takes place over time -- not by dealing a swift blow to knock it out of him once and for all.
I don't want my children to fear me. I want them to love, respect and trust me. And that won't happen if they think I will hurt them.
Cary, Dean and Clair: I will not hurt you, my littlest loves. I will love you and guide you and teach you and, yes, discipline you. I will make mistakes, that is a guarantee. But I will try my absolute hardest not to ever hurt you. Even when you do ridiculously stupid things like CUT YOUR SISTER'S HAIR, WHICH TOOK THREE FRIKKIN' YEARS TO GET LONG ENOUGH FOR ME TO ACTUALLY STYLE!!!
P.S. Later we found out that Cary was in on the cutting game too; he snipped a little bit of fabric out of Clair's prettiest pink tutu. (Clair was far more upset about that than she was about her hair). By the time the full story unfolded, I was too tapped out from having to put my money where my mouth was to really grasp what happened. Thankfully, Lester had his wits about him and sent Cary to bed too. So when the boys woke up at 3:30, they both had missed lunch. It was too early for dinner, and they both wanted snacks. But I held my ground and didn't give them anything, and I patiently explained why: They missed lunch because they had to go to bed while the rest of us ate, because they both did something very bad. And now they had to wait until dinner to eat. Let me tell you -- this was probably the best punishment I could ever have dreamed up. These kids love to eat -- snacks especially! So I think they got the message. I hope so anyway.
I didn't have to spank them; their little growling bellies were pain and suffering enough!
4 comments:
you are my hero. Parenting: you're doing it right!!
I'm sad when people refer to what that NFL player did as "spanking." that was not a spanking. The part that turned it into torture--because that IS what it was--was stuffing the boy's mouth with leaves from the branch. I'm sorry that the dad doesn't think that was abuse. He needs an education. Humiliating a child--or anyone!--does nothing to instill learning. That grownups are coming to his defense makes me literally ill. So happy you stuck to your guns. WELL DONE YOU!!!
btw, this is your next Sun column.
I am your parents age and I spanked, smacked (or whatever euphemism you want to use) my kids. It is a major regret that I have. Yes they survived and they are not in jail. It must, however, be noted that the vast majority of those in jail did receive corporal punishment as children. I am proud that none of my grandchildren, not the one who lives with me or the ones who are being reared by their parents have ever been hit. Other techniques work better and don’t leave children humiliated, angry and insecure. Good for you for having self control and modeling that for the little ones that you love.
I had just finished reading this article, "Spanking Would Be Easier" http://www.huffingtonpost.com/john-kinnear/spanking-would-be-easier_b_5638755.html, prior to reading your post. The two couldn't fit more perfectly together. It's hard being a parent. Sometimes it feels like we've exhausted all of our options and have nothing left, no other choice, but to be able to consciously bring ourselves out of that moment and think long term and make a better choice; try to do better, be better. I applaud you for your honesty and I sincerely hope that other who have found themselves in similar situations will think of this post, and Claudia's comment, next time they are faced with a tough decision. Here's another insightful piece on effective disciplinary techniques, in case anyone is interested, http://www.apa.org/research/action/speaking-of-psychology/disciplining-children.aspx. (As an aside, Cary and Dean should watch their backs when Clair becomes a teenager. Something tells me she is a girl who will never forget the tutu destruction and involuntary hair removal and that their karma will come back when they least expect it. #SleepWithOneEyeOpen)
Post a Comment