Hmmm. Truthfully, I am always busy at work, but some days I am more focused than others -- so I guess I should say it that way: I have been really bad about blogging lately because I have actually been focused.
I wish I could say that more often. Procrastination, why can't I quit you??
Anyway, I wanted to gloat a little and say that the crabcake at my neighborhood restaurant -- the one I wrote about a little bit ago -- just got named best in Baltimore. Whoo-hooo!
 |
| The fine print under the crabcake says "Crabcake from Koco's Pub shown actual size." Awww, yeah! |
I should also point out that it just dawned on me today, while emailing with Angel, that I have two pre-schoolers and a toddler. What the HELL was I thinking?!
This made me think (again) about the many articles/columns that have been going back and forth in the NYT and other places about the merits and the downsides of having a big family vs. having only one child.
Every single missive I've read on the topic has made me sad, particularly since I am also being bombarded daily with articles about how hard it is for minority children to succeed in this society - even the smart ones - and how bad the education system is and how kids of wealthier parents are like 10 million times more likely to be successful/happy/not-in-prison-or-on-a-stripper-pole, you name it.
So as I was reading Lauren Sandler and KJ Dell’Antonia as they went back and forth explaining their reasons for choosing the family size they have, I kept thinking: If I had one child, I could afford to move out of our sucky neighborhood, away from the trash and the loud corners and the neighbors teaching them to speak in Baltimore slang. If I had one child, I could send him/her to the absolute best school in the area -- even on our salaries. If I had one child, I wouldn't have to LITERALLY read two books at once every evening when I come home, because Clair demands to read one book but the boys want to read another. Every single night.
(Note: Do you know how hard it is to read two books aloud simultaneously? The stress of making sure each kid is getting read to, and feels attended to, is going to be the death of me, do you hear me?)
If I had one child, we could go to Koco's for crabcakes every night!!
If I had one child, if I had one child, if I had one child...
Of course this is a ridiculous and foolish and unwin-able game to play. If I only had one child, which child would it be? Who could ever choose between the three I've been given? Who would want to?
I had no way of knowing, for example, that I needed Clair so much as I do -- until she was here, sleeping in my arms in the hospital, the light over my bed shining on her perfect face. I thought I was complete with just Cary and Dean. I had no idea how incomplete I was.
Is it harder having more than one child? Yes, of course. And, honestly, I have no idea how we will properly educate them, completely safeguard them, prepare them fully - as individuals - for this world that is crueler to minority kids, crueler to the less-than-wealthy, and made, it seems, to cater to families of only children.
But I know one thing we will do: We will love them.
God knows we will love them.
And as I said to Angel this morning, the beauty of loving children is that adding more doesn't divide the love. It multiplies it.
Exponentially.
.JPG)
.JPG)
5 comments:
What did I say about making me cry while I'm trying to work??
I love this. I think you should write for a living.
I have to think long and hard about how to post my comment without sounding judgy of people who choose to have one child, because I know for them, it is the right choice. For us.... I would never ever ever want one child. Ever.
I have seen my children develop an amazing relationship with each other. Until they were 3ish (or maybe 4) it was mostly chaos and loudness, but now, it is incredible. They play together, they laugh together, they lay on the couch and read books over each other's shoulders. They learn so much from each other, and they learn what it takes to live with someone, day in and day out.
My sister and I are total opposites. I was senior class president and valedictorian, she was sports star and homecoming princess. But until the day I die, she will understand me more than just about anyone ever will because we grew up together. We get into the craziest giggling fits together. I can say more to her in one sentence than I can to anyone else. You can't buy that. Even my best friends and my husband can never take the place of that relationship. It's just not The Same. It never will be. I put up with her crap and she puts up with mine, because that's what it means to be a sister.
I've been thinking about this a lot lately because Nate recently gave something to Alex. He whispered to me going down the steps, "I gave this to Alex because I know he is having a tough week and I thought it would make him feel better." YES. You can't buy that.
One thing that has helped me a ton a ton A TON this year with Alex's ADHD was advice that I got from a fellow ADHD mom after reading my post about feeling anxious about the future. Stats are terrible with ADHD kids - drugs, school failures, prison. She said - you have to focus on doing everything you can RIGHT NOW, and do not worry about the future until it is here. You are going stop him from being a statistic by doing everything you can to help him be successful NOW. So I would tell you Tanika, don't get caught up in all the articles. Make the best choices you can for your kids and worry about things in the future when/if they come.
Also, if you ate the crab cakes every day, they wouldn't be as special when you do get to have them.
Well Tanika you just made me feel incredibly unproductive as a parent of an only child (as well as being an only child myself). You mentioned all of these wonderful things that I should be doing with my dear boy but instead he is upstairs talking to himself while he is supposed to be sleeping and I am here reading your blog. But I can say this, as I have said to you a majillion times before, your children will be amazing (already are amazing) because they have you and Les as parents. Regardless of money, education, Bawlmer street slang, crab cakes, books, neighborhoods, they will always, always have you 2 to look up to, to show them, to teach them, to guide them. They are exceptional, you are exceptional, and there is no book or statistic that will account for that. I am reminded of Malcolm Gladwell, where he remarked about why parents who read parenting books seemed to be better parents. It wasn't because they read the parenting books that they seemed to be better parents but it was simply the fact that they were the type of people who would want to read a parenting book to try to be a better parent. That's you Teekaneek! You will always try to do the best that you can for your babies and it will always matter; it will always make a difference.
Awwww. Not only do I love your post, but I love Mari's comment, too! And Laura's. I don't have the same relationship with my siblings that Laura has with hers, BUT I loved growing up with lots of siblings and think I gained so much more out of it than what I would have gained if I had been an only child. Never never never second-guess yourself or doubt that you are giving your children EVERY single thing they need to be successful and happy in life. Because you are. :-)
man, i was totally one and done until the second booger came around and it was the same. i had no idea how much we would actually add to our lives from having him here. and i'm so happy to have two and to see brother and sister love each other in a different way than parent-child can. we would also be eating a lot more crabcakes if we just had our one kid (and crabs -- which are pretty much impossible because you can't do it one-handed) but life wouldn't be as full!!
Post a Comment