Can twin closeness be a bad thing?

This week, I was getting Lester's laptop out of his work bag and discovered two little progress reports from C and D's last day of school.

Putting aside for a moment the fact that my dear husband forgot to even mention these to me -- the last day of school was MAY 28th -- I was a little sad when I read them over.

There were no real surprises; the boys are doing well in almost all areas. But under "interacts with one or more children," Dean and Cary both got an "N" for "not consistently demonstrating;" they both got "Ps" --  progressing -- in "participates in the group life of the class" -- and Cary got a string of flashing neon Ps in "interacts with familiar adults," "shows empathy and caring for others," "follows simple classroom rules and routines," and pretty much the whole section called "Personal and Social Development."

Beth posted a lovely piece today on Facebook called  "My Kids Aren't Perfect and That's OK." The gist was that it was OK if kids weren't acing every single subject in school, or if they weren't remembering to do all their chores without being nagged. Kids "stumble and fall and make lots of mistakes and messes," the post says, but what matters is that they are "good, kind and caring [people.]"

eing a good, kind, caring person.

being a good, kind, caring person.

Well, ahem, judging from the progress reports, being good, kind and caring -- the things that are the hallmark of a socially normal person -- are pretty much the only things my children are lacking!

Cary is a special case, because he is a little aloof, in general, and not very consistent about behaving in a socially appropriate way, especially around new people. It's his personality. Dean is more extroverted and a people-person, so he's a little bit better in this area.

But mostly, I blame this OBVIOUS social stuntedness on my boys being twins.

Check out what the teachers had to say about Cary and Dean (after they went through the obligatory "Child is bright, enjoys the sand table..." BS).

About Cary:
Cary sometimes needs assistance expressing himself and depends on his brother Dean to speak for him.

About Dean:
Dean needs daily reminders to remember to let Cary speak for himself. He only does this because he loves Cary so much and is very concerned about his well-being.

Hmmm. #co-dependent much?

I have noticed that my boys never seem to really play with other children when we're out -- even with familiar children. They don't have friends, really, other than the ones we adults call their friends, either because we like to hang with their parents (Antony, Abby, Maya, Hugo, Naomi, Spirit), or because we see them so much everywhere (Marcus).

I always thought it was a good thing that the boys had each other. It certainly made the entry into school a lot easier than it has been for poor Clair (God help that child to stop being so fearful and tearful every day!) But now I look around and notice that other kids their age are starting to form adorable little friendships, or at the very least, they have a semblance of what it means to be the kind of person people would want to be friends with.

But when I mention to Cary, for instance, that he shouldn't SCREAM in people's faces when he's just met them because people won't want to be friends with people who aren't kind, he simply shrugs. After all, why does he need other people to be his friends? He has Dean.

And when I ask them about other kids, they honestly don't know what to say about them, because they don't pay other kids any attention! They live in their own little twin-world and they're just fine there.

I think Dean will eventually find himself some buddies. For Cary -- well, it might take a while for that to happen.

But I do wonder how long it will take them to want outside friendships -- and if a delay in developing that desire will mean an accompanying delay in knowing how to make friends.

In other words, will my twin boys be socially awkward? I know I shouldn't worry about this kind of thing, but as a social person who has always found making friends to be easy, and intimate friendships with people truly rewarding, I DO WORRY.

I know how hard childhood and adolescence can be for those who find friend-making difficult. I don't want that for my boys. 

Parents of twins, what have you found in this area? Is this more because they're 4, or is this a real twins-thing throughout childhood? Am I just being neurotic (as usual).

Former womb-mates. Forever friends.

P.S. I think it is kinda funny that the boys' only other "Ns" were in "participates in group music experiences" and "participates in creative movement, dance and drama." Guess I won't be seeing them on Broadway. Hahahaa!

So much awesome happened this weekend!

Where, where, where to begin?

I think I'll start with the MOST awesome.

Some of you might recall that I was inspired to start this blog because I stumbled across Laura Case's blog when I was pregnant with Cary and Dean. I Googled something like, "pregnant, twins, ambivalence" because I was going back and forth between being super-excited about having two much-prayed-for babies and being terrified out of my mind about having TWO babies at the same time.

Somehow Google found Laura's blog and I read an entry or two about her life with twin boys and found I couldn't stop reading. Over the course of a few days, I read every single blog post this hilarious, honest woman wrote, starting at the very beginning of her journey. And I got inspired by her to start a blog of my own. It took me until the boys were about 9 months old to actually get around to blogging, but I did, finally, and I'm so, so glad.

I love that I'm getting down the details of my babies' lives (all three of them now) which I'm sure would all grow fuzzy over time if I didn't. I'm recording my thoughts and perspectives, which I hope one day my children will find interesting or useful; I know I would absolutely love to read what my parents were thinking and doing when I was a kid. And I'm enjoying the process of (semi) regular writing, which helps me sort through complicated feelings sometimes and make sense of the chaotic (but happy) life I'm living as wife, mother, career woman, sister, friend and child of God.

All those things are invaluable, priceless even. But I had no idea that starting a blog would also bring to my life this wonderful and necessary thing: the support of other like-minded women who are also moms and wives and slightly crazed by it all. Women I'd never met - who found my blog because Laura once posted an entire blog post about ME! (you cannot imagine the screaming I did that day) -- started commenting on my blog posts, with advice, affirmation, encouragement and funny stories. And then one day, one of the women and I agreed to meet. Beth was so awesome, we hit it off immediately and we've hung out over food or drinks a few more times since then, each time topping the last one in terms of being super-fun and restorative!  And last month, when I was in Maine, I met up with Maria, another of Laura's friends, who was also amazing! I felt immediately comfortable in her house and we talked about real life things maybe 10 seconds after I walked in the door -- no time for small talk, just straight to the real deal. It was great.

So when Maria came to DC this weekend for her birthday and Beth emailed saying that the two of them wanted to meet me for dinner, I didn't hesitate. Beth AND Maria? I was in!

At the restaurant bar, I waited for the two of them to arrive and I waved happily when I saw Beth's smiling face and Maria behind her. And then...I noticed...someone else....

Could it be? Noooo?! Are my eyes deceiving me?

Wait...it is! It is! It's LAURA CASE!!

I seriously screamed like Prince just walked in the room.

Look - my eyes are still screaming in this picture we took outside the restaurant just moments after they got there.  

See? I screamed like a banshee!

I was too shocked and giddy to remember to hold my head up straight and not squint my eyes all up like a crazy person! But who cares? It's me, standing next to a woman I've admired from afar for years! Sure we've emailed and texted, but there's nothing like sitting next to a woman in a lively restaurant, ordering tapas and drinks and laughing your head off for FOUR HOURS, watching as the restaurant slowly empties and you're not even close to being ready to leave, because the women you're with are all so much better in person than they even seemed on screen and life is pretty freaking great to still be blessed to meet people who move you, inspire you, encourage you, LIKE you, and want to see you be the best person you can be.

I thank God for that. Truly. I always say that picking awesome women to be friends with is my super-power. And this weekend was just more proof.

SO glad I started blogging. If you're on the fence about it, DO IT. It's so worth it.

###

Also this weekend, all five of us had a collective playdate with a new couple, Ashley and Desira Stewart, and their two little girls, who I think they're pretty private about Internet-wise, so I won't say their names. It was really, really nice. They were so welcoming and fun, and they FED US, so they are my new favorite people! (I joke. Sorta.)  It's always just a little bit weird meeting up for the first time with people you only sorta know, but it is so rewarding when the meet-up turns out just perfect!

I imagine more outings with this family in our future!

And then, I took Clair with me to a baby shower, and she was a great partner to have. No craziness or meltdowns; she was super cute at the party and gabbed, gabbed, gabbed the whole way there and back, and it was really cool to have my little buddy with me -- just the girls on a sunny Sunday afternoon. I imagine more of that too in my future -- and it makes my heart so glad.

While I was there, Lester took the boys to a little kid yoga date with their friend Spirit and a few other kids. Afterward, the boys painted a picture frame and ate pizza and played. And it was a lovely, lovely day all around.

Lester met with a handyman at the house in DC to get an estimate on doing some final small things to it before putting it on the market this summer -- so that ball is actually, finally moving. (One tiny, but necessary step closer to us getting out of our house and into a better one!)

And we also planted Black-eyed Susan seeds in the little flower pots that were once home to my miserable failure of a porch garden, so we're all eagerly watching to see if anything comes of our efforts! Hoping to have Maryland's state flower blossoming on our porch any day now!

Keep your fingers crossed!

Shine bright like a diamond!

I'm home sick today and finally, finally, after sleeping most of the day, I have a little time to myself to put down in words the amazingness that was Girls' Weekend.

Some of you might recall I was less than enthusiastic about the trip in the very beginning. Not because I didn't very much want to see and catch up with this bright, hilarious, wonderful group of women, but because I worried about being away from my kids for three days and leaving Lester alone all that time with two 3-year-olds and a 2-year-old (can you imagine?)

But I am SO glad I went.

The obvious reasons need little explaining. I had three days of free time - truly free. No demands whatsoever from anyone. This was unspeakably glorious! I also ate amazing meals (it's NOLA, hello!) and drank delicious cocktails and then could sleep in the next morning. People without children have no idea the luxury of being able to wake up naturally after a night of healthy drankin'...
I got to laugh and talk with women I like and admire and missed. And I met C. Thomas Howell on the way home!!! What's not to love, right?

But the real boon of the weekend came entirely unexpectedly.

I anticipated all the laughter. I anticipated all the great conversation. I did not anticipate all the crying. Or all the encouragement. All the building-up. All the intense, but loving, scrutiny and accountability -- the kind that can only lead to self-improvement down the road. I had no idea all that was coming. Or how much I needed it.

But from the first moment we all sat down for a meal, there were confessions, tears and support (all before dessert). Apparently, before I arrived, the same thing had happened at dinner with another woman. And before I left New Orleans, it would happen again  -- and again. Each one of us had things we needed to say, to reveal or to lament -- about marriage and parenting, careers and friendship, love and ambition, transgressions and regrets, loneliness and self-doubt. And when one of us would venture out into the water of vulnerability, all the rest of us would swarm around her like bouys, arms outstretched. Sometimes to pull her in for a hug; many times to push her on to truth.

It was, in a word, DEEP.

I knew I'd missed having girlfriends around, but even I was stunned by how needy we all seemed for sister-love.

Back at home, we all marveled at how emotionally naked we'd gotten -- after not being in the same place all at the same time for more than 10 years.

One of my girls sent us this message afterward, which I've edited a bit, to protect identities.

Was talking to my good friend, XXXX, this morning. She just got back from a long girls' weekend of her own - a birthday celebration at a Miami spa. I think her group had six gals, all of whom are friends from high school.

Anyway, she mentioned that the weekend had been insanely intense: in-jokes, crying, liquor, sleep, laughing, confessions, etc. She said it felt like an exorcism or maybe a rebirth. That beyond the ties of love, husbands, kids and friendship, there was the specter of their shared mid-40s. And that, my friends, is a scary place to be.

That must be what we tapped into in New Orleans. That this time in a woman's life opens her up to much intense emotion and self-reflection. Because how else to explain how quickly we reached that amazing place where we showed ourselves to each other after so many years apart? It definitely could have gone another way, but by the time we all got to [the house in New Orleans], it was ON.

I'm turning 45 on Sunday, and can I tell you how excited I am about it?! And I wasn't, really, before our NOLA retreat. These past couple of years have been especially tiring and scary. I've been lower than I've ever been in my entire life ....But New Orleans brought me back to life in a surprising way. I can face my new life with renewed passion and energy.
 
She is so right, y'all! Reading that again, I get all goosebumpy. My life is not on hold (remember that post from just a few days before I left for my trip?) I just need to approach my life with renewed passion and energy!

Since coming back from NOLA, I started Sugar-Free February, determined not to let sugar continue its chokehold on me. I'm not saying I'll never eat another sugary thing, that's ridiculous. But I want to be in control of what I eat, not the other way around. My girls helped me to get to this point -- they made me KNOW that I can do it. They also encouraged me (as many of you have as well) to take the time to get to the gym or to yoga and believe that my children will be just fine for a few hours a week without me -- even if I work all day long. I'm mulling that one over, but I'm much closer to pulling the trigger on at least ONE night of yoga a week than I was before my trip.

And maybe most importantly, we have all started talking about writing a book together -- and have a conference call planned for tomorrow night to talk about what that book might be, what it might look like, what do we regular gals -- wives, mothers, friends, writers -- have to say that hasn't already been said a million times.

But we know that whatever it is, it will somehow tap into the unofficial theme we adopted over the weekend, a running inside joke about a comically-sung Rihanna tune that somehow turned into our mantra: Shine Bright Like a Diamond.

Because whatever we do, wherever life has taken us or will take us, we know we all have the ability, the capacity, the responsibility to shine bright in our respective worlds (whatever that means to us individually), like the diamonds we are.

Food!

Friends!

Faraway friends who crashed the weekend! (So glad she did!)

Fuel!!

The French Quarter!

And the Fountain Lounge, where a five-hour sweat lodge, over never-ending cocktails, went down. I will never forget this night. EPIC.

I highly encourage you all to take a girls' trip, if you haven't done one already. You'll be so glad you did.