Easter weekend recap

What a glorious weekend!

Friday, Lester and I went on a date! It was a lunch date and Clair was with us, but it was a date nonetheless, so I can cross that off my list of things to accomplish before maternity leave wraps up. (Hopefully, we can cross that one off a few more times before maternity leave wraps up.)

We just went into D.C., visited his aunt for her birthday, visited my sister and baby Matthew at home and then went and had a leisurely lunch, complete with a brownie sundae for dessert. Yummm. It was really nice. And to top it off, I wore a bad ass pair of RED jeans that I bought the day before, just to show Lester I still got it! Me...mom of three. In red skinny(ish) jeans. Out, eating at a restaurant like a grown-up. Hells yes, y'all.

Did I take a photo of this awesomeness? No, I totally forgot. But I will likely wear these jeans every time I go anywhere, so I'll document them another time.

Saturday, we lounged at the house a bit, and did the normal weekend-housework. I took Cary and Dean with me to the grocery store and there were absolutely NO problems. In fact, it was actually a lot of fun. I am so glad they're old enough now to take to the store. Now I see what Angel and Elizabeth like so much about it!

Then Sunday was Resurrection Day (AKA Easter) and you all know how much I love this day for all that it stands for. This day is so important to me, because it represents just how much God loves me and all the world. It says so much to me about faith, grace, forgiveness and love. I feel enormously grateful to be a child of God, but ever more so on Easter.

It is also a day of family and fun! This year was especially fun because Cary and Dean were old enough to participate in some of the festivities, like the Easter Egg Hunt. This was a favorite thing for me when I was a child, running around with my own cousins at my own Nana's house in Boston. So I cannot be happier that my children are getting to enjoy Easter egg fun, too. These are the kind of things I always dreamed of when I imagined having children. And God has seen to it that my dreams have come true.

Cousins!!

Clair missed most of the festivities, because she was napping. But Lester made sure she had a good time!

Maternity leave checklist

Best thing to see in the morning, especially after a long night!




Isn't that sweet?! :-)

So...writing down the things I want the boys to see and do before they turn 3 has me in the list-making mood.

So I've decided to write down the things I want to accomplish while I'm on maternity leave. Writing things down (and putting them out in the blogosphere) ups the ante and makes me more accountable. So, even though a lot of what I want to accomplish is mundane, I'm still gonna write it down.

Here goes:

• Finish sending out thank-you cards to friends
• Organize and clean out my basement
• Swap out winter and spring/summer clothes
• Figure out what to do with maternity clothes (consignment? Freecycle? Give to a friend?)
• Frame (and/or re-frame) photos; hang them in the house
• Find an aesthetically-pleasing (or if not, then cheap and easy) way to organize the boys' books in the living room play area
• Take my bedroom comforter to the Laundromat to wash
• Take my Christmas tablecloth to the dry cleaners (yes, I still have not done that and it's April. And what?)
• Take some things back to Macy's/Target
  
• Get a pedicure
• Get my eyebrows done
• Go to the Dominicans and get my hair done (This item and the previous two are all part of Operation Bring the Sexy Back. New spring/summer clothes are also a part of that mission, but only after this baby belly has gone the way of the wooly mammoth.)
  
• Go visit friends with Clair, or the boys, or all 3 (Kelly, in particular)
• Go visit friends all alone! Preferably where a meal and cocktails are present (Angel, Kelly, Beth, Stacey)
• Go visit Granddad
• Have lunch with Lester during the work week
• Go out with Lester on a real grown-up date
  
• Take my Dad out for lunch again, this time with Tahira since she missed it last time
  
• Get Clair on a predictable eating and sleeping schedule
• Get Clair sleeping in her own bed
• Wean the boys from their nighttime bottle
• Get on the pill
• Get on the pill!
• Get ON THE PILL!
• Make an appointment with my primary care doctor to get my sugars tested
• Plan and have the boys' 2nd birthday party
  

This is a sizeable -- and somewhat daunting list -- but some of these things can be done on the same day, and others have to happen over time. For what it's worth, I have already started decreasing the amount of milk in the boys' nighttime bottles; I have a prescription for the pill being called into my pharmacy as we speak; and I've been working on Clair's haphazard eating/sleeping/non-crib-loving self since she was born.

I also still want to do fun things with the boys while I'm off, so I'll have to squeeze all this in around that. Honestly, that's most important since I don't know if I'll ever have this kind of time off again while they're young.

So now it's out there, my To-Do list for maternity leave (which ends officially May 16, meaning it's halfway over. Ack!)

You all hold me accountable, OK? As I said, I may never have this kind of time again.

Giving your kids the best you can, Part 2

Lester and I both want the best for our boys. We see eye-to-eye on a lot of things, but on that shared value, we see whole-body to whole-body.

Unfortunately, on our salaries and in this old, underfunded, segregated city, "the best" -- when it comes to education -- quite often means "private." And "private" quite often means "majority white."

Lester and I are both people who pretty much grew up in majority-black cities, schools and environments.

But both of us were able to break out of the clannishness that kind of upbringing fosters to become great friends with people of all races and backgrounds. I absolutely adore my colorful plethora of friends. I love it that it doesn't matter to us what color someone is, or what religion or from what tax-bracket: We all love one another and accept one another and celebrate our differences and our commonalities. Many times, when we're hanging out with a big group of our friends, I think: "This is what the world should be like."

But, unfortunately, it is not. In fact, the world is far from what our circle of friends is like.

And so, we worry when we think that, in order to give Cary, Dean and Clair the very best education and experiences, we might also be ordering up for them a lifetime of isolation, discrimination, forced assimilation or feelings of inadequacy.

I know this can happen, because it happened to me. I wrote this article years ago on the anniversary of the historic Brown vs. Board of Education court case, which ordered the desegregation of schools. In it, I describe how being a part of a desegregation order myself changed my life for the better but still left behind in me feelings of inadequacy.

I wouldn't change the experience, not for a minute; I believe it helped shape who I am today. But I worry so much about my kids having to go through life trying hard to fit in, and feeling "less-than" if they don't. That's just one small advantage of growing up in a majority black environment. At least we know they wouldn't feel so "other." But, sadly, that's not enough of a reason to choose the childhood Lester and I experienced over the much more multi-cultural one we are trying to create now.

When President Barack Obama was elected, Lester and I hugged each other hard and cried. This historic election meant so much for us, for our families, for the children we would eventually have together. But we knew it wouldn't mean a true "post-racial" society, as some have suggested. We doubt such a thing will ever happen -- at least not in our lifetime. But for our children's sake, my goodness how we wish it were so! How we pray every day for our children to be recognized the world over as just as valuable, just as worthy, just as smart, just as beautiful.

That's why it hurts so much when a teenaged boy -- the same color as my boys -- gets shot and killed in a gated community for the crime of "looking suspicious."

That's why it stings when people say they won't go see a movie because a beautiful black girl -- with brown skin like my daughter -- was cast as a beloved character.

It shows that no matter who the President is, no matter where we live, no matter what schools we send them to, no matter how well we teach them to behave, speak well, work hard, love people, be respectful, stay out of trouble and honor God, their families and themselves -- no matter WHAT we do to prepare and protect them -- someone out there will see our wonderful, curious, delightful, sweet, hilarious babies and think "criminal," "scary," "untrustworthy," "value-less," "stupid," "ghetto," "ugly," "target."

So what do we do?

Our parents' way of handling things was to keep us -- for the most part -- sequestered in majority black communities. Even today, our families interact with folks from other races very, very little. It's a self-segregation for protection's sake. Though I understand it's origins, it's sad, I think. And limiting.

And it also is NOT who Lester and I are. It's not who we want our kids to be. I would abhor a life lived in such a monotone.

So we will do the best we can to give them the best we can -- in terms of education and socialization, community and character, values and principles, faith, finances, family and friends. And we will do the delicate dance many black parents before us have done, letting them know the unfortunate truth that there are people out there who will see them only for the color of their skin -- and make negative assumptions about them because of it. But also that many, many more people will accept, celebrate and love them neither because of nor despite it. Like the friends of ours they will come to know, those people will love them just for who they are.

We hope they will be aware of prejudice, discrimination, racism, bigotry, fear and ignorance, but not be stymied, crippled or in any way hindered by it. We pray they will shine and succeed in spite of it. We hope they will love the skin they're in, their hair, their noses, their far-from-privileged ancestry. We pray they will create for themselves a life full of beautiful people of all races, backgrounds, religions and cultures.

If Cary, Dean and Clair do that -- and God-willing, they will -- we will know that we have done for them the very, very best that we could do.

Giving your kids the best you can, Part 1

As part of his job, my husband is taking part in a springtime baseball tournament here between the city's public and private high schools. It's a really great idea, because the city public school kids get to play on the beautiful fields of the private schools, and against the well-heeled players who have more advantages (generally) than they. They also get exposure (scouts, newspaper write-ups, etc.) And both the public and private school kids get to experience new things and meet -- and have fun with -- new people. Win-win for everybody!

We've taken the boys to two rounds of the tournament, one on Saturday and one yesterday. Cary and Dean barely notice the games, and just love all the open space and the freedom to run and fall and people-watch. I love their little wind-chapped cheeks and grass-stained knees when we leave the baseball field. They are probably their happiest when we are outdoors. It does my heart good!

Seeing them out there, on high school fields, with all the high school boys, also makes me think about their eventual high school years, and the tough decisions we'll likely have to make (if we're still in Baltimore) about public vs. private school.

Lester and I both are products of public schools (though, coincidentally, we both also spent some time in Catholic schools as young children) and turned out just fine. We both believe in public education, and know enough to understand that the schools are only as good as 1) the taxbase supporting them and 2) the parents and community members involved and invested in them.

But the three school systems we're most linked to (the suburban Maryland system I graduated from; the D.C. system he graduated from, and Baltimore's, where we now live) are HORRIBLE. There's no other way to put it. They are deplorable. I just cannot see how we would ever send our kids to horrible schools, no matter what our political beliefs are about public education.

And the thing is, it's not just academics that we worry about (although that's first and foremost). Lester and I are both keenly aware of the power of the peer group. And we know that at a certain point, children demote the value of their parents' opinions in favor of their friends'.

That's why I always say, "It may be true that you can't pick your children's friends. But you can damn well try."

That means putting them in environments where they will be around people whose values are most like ours, whose outlook on life and leisure and hard work and integrity are most like ours. It doesn't mean we don't value diversity. We, of all people, know the importance of that. But diversity of race, income, religion, cultural background, etc. is something way different than diversity of core values. Unfortunately, most of the public schools in this area don't provide much diversity in either area, if I'm honest. So our choices as parents are really tough, and no matter what we decide to do, it won't be ideal. Something will be sacrificed.

Nevertheless, in addition to doing all we can to help give the boys a foundation at home of responsibility and love of learning, etc., Lester and I plan to do whatever we can to give them every advantage we can when it comes to where we live and where they go to school. We'd love nothing more than for that to mean public school (FREE school for three kids?!! Sign me up!) but if we can't find what we're looking for, we will live paycheck to paycheck and work really long hours and sacrifice vacations and dinners out and new clothes etc., to be able to send them to a private school that fits us and our ideals. It sucks. I know. But what choice do we have?

I know people will judge us. Some in our own families will, in fact. But we will do what we have to do for these children to give them every possible advantage. And then we will pray for God's help and protection. People can judge all they want.

Sadly, we know we will not be able to protect them from everything. The Trayvon Martin case -- which has blown up so big as to have even gotten a reaction from our nation's President -- reminds me of what my sons will face in this world, no matter what Lester and I do to try to prepare and shield them. And the way many people reacted to the fact that an adorable little black girl was cast as a beloved character in The Hunger Games movie shows me what my sweet little Clair will be up against as well.

Sigh. Sigh. Double sigh.

I'll need time to sort out my many feelings about that last paragraph in a somewhat coherent way.

So stay tuned for Part 2 of this post.

Synapse checklist 2012

** BREAKING NEWS: WE DID NOT WIN THE MEGA-MILLIONS!! WE ARE STILL BROKE.**

OK, now back to my regularly scheduled post.

As the boys approach their second birthday -- entering their third year of life -- I have been thinking a lot about their synapses. Those of you who have been even cursory readers of this blog know that I have a bit of an obsession with creating synapses in my children's growing brains.
Yes, I know this makes no sense.

Anyway, since so much of their brain development will have occurred by the time they reach age 3, this 2nd birthday means they are two-thirds of the way there!! Ack!! The heat is on for me to expose them to more new things, so that they will have the synapses for those things, and thus more building blocks to create more synapses later on.

So what things do I want them to do/see/experience this year?

• Go to the beach. Build sand castles. Watch the tide come in and out.
• Pick some fruit at a real fruit orchard. Bring it home and help Mommy make something out of it.
• Fly a kite.
• Ride public transportation.
• Have a picnic.
• Dig for earthworms after a good rain.
• Go to the State Fair. Ride some kiddie rides. Eat funnel cake.
• Sleep in a sleeping bag.
• Go to the zoo. (We've done this a bunch, but I think they're old enough to really get it now.)
• Play with Play-Doh. (I've been too chicken to break out the Play-Doh for fear of ingested Play-Doh, and Play-Doh stuck all over every darn thing.)
• Finger-paint. (Ditto.)
• See a real rainbow in the sky.
• Go on a hayride. Help Mommy or Daddy carve a pumpkin.
• See a parade, complete with floats and marching bands.
• Ride on some kind of boat.
• Participate in at least one, maybe two organized activities (music class, soccer, swim lessons,etc.)
  

Of course I also want them to have learned/accomplished some very important things, like potty training, counting to 20, shapes, colors, ABCs, helping to dress themselves, etc. But for some reason, the fun, experiential stuff seems like more of a challenge.

What's missing from this list? What else should 2-year-olds see and do by the time they turn 3?

A study in contrasts

I have been cognizant of the stark differences in my two boys since birth -- and actually, since they were in the womb, when Dean was a mover and a kicker and Cary made me call the OB because I could barely feel him.

But sometimes, more than others, I am really struck by how different they are. Today, for example, Michelle and I took the boys to Port Discovery, something we've done many times. I took photos, as I always do, but I didn't pay a lot of attention to what I was doing, really, because frankly I have a zillion photos of them at Port Discovery now. So I was sorta vacantly snapping.

When I got home, though, and went to share the photos by e-mail with Lester, I couldn't help but notice this:

Dean, in constant motion, so much so that he is hard to photograph:







And Cary, very often, sitting and reading:








This is not to say that Dean doesn't like to read. He does. And sing! Boy does he love to sing.

And it is not to say that Cary doesn't run around like a crazy person, tearing my house up every day. He most certainly does. His favorite words these days are, "outside," "pway" and "park."

Lester is very nervous when I start categorizing my boys in the way that this post is doing. And I truly don't want to label them, for many reasons, but especially because I want them to discover who they are and who they want to become without potentially-damaging interference.

But the camera don't lie, peoples. You can see it for yourselves.

People are who they are; even those lucky people who happen to share a womb and a birthday.

********
Meanwhile, CLAIR UPDATE!



We went for her 6 week check-up yesterday -- even though she's technically 6-weeks-old today (Happy 6 weeks, Clair!) -- and my sweetie is 10 lbs. 4 oz. and 22 inches long. Yay! She's well-nourished! (Guilt-ridden bottle-feeding mommas out there, you know what I'm talkin' about!)

She started smiling at me about 10 days ago, and boy does that whole-face, toothless smile make a difference to a sleep-deprived mother! So far, Clair is very, very smiley and is always moving her mouth as if she wants to talk to me. I think this means she will grow into a happy, chatty girl, and I am pleased as can be with that.

After her doctor's appointment, I went to Panera and ordered breakfast, sat a table and read the paper and e-mail, while Clair napped in her carseat. When she got fussy, I fed her and then held her in my arms while I continued to read. She was so peaceful and smiley (even in her sleep), and I started thinking about how wonderful it will be when I can really, really hang out with my daughter, just the two of us, out on the town, having a bite to eat and enjoying one another. Of course, I started crying a little bit thinking about just how happy I am that God chose me to have a daughter -- and that He chose Clair to be the daughter I got.

Of course, I have no idea who these three human beings I gave birth to will turn out to be in the long run. But they sure are spectacular right now.

Catching up in between feeding and napping

This blogging while parenting a new baby is proving more difficult than I thought!

It's been so long since my last post, I have so much to say, and of course Clair just woke up from a nap and is only being stalled temporarily from screaming by a glorious pacifier, so I don't know how much time I'll actually have.

But here goes.

Since last we met, a bunch has happened:

1. My Dad had his 60th birthday, and I took Clair down to D.C. to meet him for lunch to celebrate. It turned into a full day, as we picked up my middle sister, Kadija, from work so she could come too, and then the two of us went to visit our baby sister, Tahira, who had come home the day before from the hospital with her new baby, Matthew.

Check out Clair and Matthew together for the first time. She is SO much bigger than he, and only a month and a day older. But I suspect this won't last long, as Matthew's Dad is pretty big guy.



2. Our family noted that it has been a year (as of yesterday) since my brother Rashad's near-fatal car accident. This is cause for much rejoicing, and we're planning a big Easter-dinner celebration to really mark the occasion.

Here's Clair and her Uncle Rashad. This picture totally brings tears to my eyes, as there were many moments a year ago when we had no idea if he'd live or die. And here he is holding my unexpected baby daughter! So many miracles in this one photo, I can't even DEAL!
(Rashad calls her Lil' C. Why? I have no idea. But he has nicknames for everyone, so this is par for the course with him. I think it's cute...)



And here's Clair with her Uncle Haleem, my other brother. We don't get to see too much of him, because he is always off doing single-guy-with-no-kids things, so we will cherish this photo as evidence that he and she did, in fact, meet! And he fell in love instantly. (Of course.)



3. I got a little over-zealous with my newfound non-pregnant energy and decided to buy a bunch of organizational things at Target to try to make my house NOT look like a tornado hit it, and all the carrying heavy things and working has me feeling oh-so-sore. I had been feeling much better, but now I am having trouble sitting up in the bed again. So today, I am taking it easy, despite the fact that it is BEAUTIFUL outside (77 and sunny), and I really want to be outdoors with my boys. But come next week, back to getting my house in order!!!

4. Speaking of the boys, they are just getting so big and awesome! They are starting to tell "stories" about things that happened or things they'd like to happen. The stories have few, if any, verbs, mind you, mainly nouns, but you can certainly piece the tale together. One such exchange might go like this:

"Big Truck Book. Broke it. Dean. Mimi take it. Time out!"
or
"Outside, puh-leeeez. Park. Children. Later. After nap. Puh-leeeez."
or
"Bathtub. Upstairs. Mommy comin' too. MOMMY!! Comin!!"

It's so great to hear them start stringing so many thoughts together. We can actually have conversations! Last night at dinner, Cary told me he wanted a "new bib," because the one from lunch had "rice on it." (Hello, Mr. Neat-n-tidy!) So I got out two new bibs, one yellow and one blue. I handed Cary the yellow one and was about to hand Dean the blue one, when Cary said, "No! Blue one! Blue bib. No yellow one!"

This is the first time he's shown a preference for one item of clothing over another one. I was shocked. Who knew he cared which color bib he wore?

This, my friends, is so much better than screaming incessantly without words. I simply handed him the blue bib instead of the yellow one, and all was quiet at the table. Oh, the wonders of communication!! I know parents of older kids lament the nonstop talkativeness that comes with age, but I can't wait! (Will this come back to bite me? I'm pretty sure it will.)

Here's a cute video of Dean, attempting to sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and you can actually hear a little bit of an actual tune!



5. I am failing miserably at the "get-Clair-on-an-eating-and-sleeping-schedule" attempt. Not only does she eat and sleep when she darn well feels like it, she also still sleeps in our bed! ACK!
Do you know how opposed to this I am? And how powerless I am to stop it?
The problem is that she will sleep in her crib, but only after she is REALLY REALLY asleep. That means I have to hold her for 20-30 minutes to make sure she's knocked out before putting her down. During the day, I can do it. But at night, while lying in my bed, eyes weighted down, back hurting etc., it's really hard to hold her that long without falling asleep myself. And when that happens -- usually long before 20-30 minutes has passed-- I just lie her down in the between us and try to steal a few winks, too.
And then, when she does go down in her crib, even during the day, she never sleeps as long. She tosses and turns and frets, or sometimes wakes fully and cries to be held. Again, during the day this is bearable, but at night, I am so darn sleepy that I just want her to sleeeeeeeep (please dear Lord, let her sleeeeeep) so I allow her to snooze in between Lester and me at night. And for about a week now, that has meant at least one 4-hour stretch of sleep per night, usually between 2 and 6 or 3 and 7. Do you know how good those four hours feel? Let's just say I'm happily sacrificing my ...er..."romantic" life, ahem, by having her in the bed with us, just so I can keep those lovely four hours of sleep. That should give you an idea.

6. The boys and I (and Michelle and Clair) have been doing good with the getting out and about, enjoying this early Spring. And I am so struck by how much more like boys my boys are, and how much less like babies. At the playground, they actually interact with other children. They run from play area to play area, climbing and exploring and sliding. They fall, get up, brush their hands on their shorts and keep playing. Their knees are dirty -- or skinned -- when we get home. They have that outdoor smell at the dinner table. I can't get over it.

7. Lester and I are doing much better, now that both of us are getting a smidge more sleep (those four hours, I'm telling you!) and also now that we have determined that we HAVE to take even just a few minutes at the end of the day to stop, touch, and be together, without phones or Facebook or newspapers or anything in between us (although sometimes Clair is with us, but that can't be helped). This is working wonders, folks, and I urge you all to try it. Take 15 minutes and just lie on the bed together (not in a ...er... "romantic" way, necessarily -- unless you both want to, in which case, hells, yes!!) and hold each other and chat, or doze or watch HGTV or the Real Housewives of Atlanta and just BE together. Hold hands, or intertwine legs, or just lie cheek-to-cheek. It really makes a difference. We honestly don't get to do this every day, with all that we have going on, but just the few times a week we've done it has lifted the tension and re-introduced intimacy and made things so much lighter and sweeter. I highly recommend it.

OK, Clair woke up, drank her bottle, I had lunch and washed her up, and now she's asleep again, so that's my cue for a NAP.

I promise to get to reading all my friends' blogs soon. I miss you guys!

St. Paddy's Day surprise: Matthew is here!

Clair's soon-to-be BFF Matthew was born yesterday, St. Patrick's Day. I told my sister he's her little good luck charm! Awwww.


(Yes, Matthew's sleeper says "Kiss Me, I'm Irish." That's his big brother, Russy. And Tahira will probably kill me for posting this photo of her. Oh well. I think she looks like a little swollen version of my Mom here. So the photo stays.)

Matthew is a total sweetie, with huge hands and feet, despite being 4 weeks early. He has the teeniest little cry, which cracks me up, especially since Clair's wail is piercing and has been since birth.



Looking at him -- all 6 lbs. 8 oz. of preciousness -- I can't get over how big Clair has gotten in just one month. It is really amazing how fast they grow and change.

See for yourself how much less of a newborn -- and more of an infant -- she looks now:

Welcome to the world, Clair's new bestie. Can't wait to hang out with you and watch you grow! Auntie loves you!!

Happy 1-month-old day, Baby Clair!

I intended to do a big, huge update on all things Davis related, using Clair's 1-month-old birthday (!!!!) as the occasion.

But Baby Clair is refusing to be put down, even though she's fairly well asleep, so I only have one hand to type. So, instead, I'll just post pictures, and I'll try again for a written update later.


Clair today, looking smiley and wavey and beautifully brown:



Me, Dean and Clair at the playground:



Cary:



Dean:



Clair:



Cary, being silly, as always:



Dean, being helpful, as usual:



And...on the occasion of Clair's 1-month-birthday, here is My Wish for her and her brothers, as they grow (this song makes me bawl like a baby):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q4JFBsmyiFc

If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands! (Clap! Clap!)

Today has been a really good day! I don't feel tired or sore or too overwhelmed. In fact, I feel downright joyful!

What brought on this new rush of happiness? Getting out of the house!

Over the winter, Michelle didn't take the boys nearly as many places as I would have liked during the week, mostly because it's hard to take two toddlers anywhere by yourself, especially if any one of the crucial factors in twin-outings is off (how they slept; if they're hungry; what kind of random mood they're in for who-knows-what-reason). And also because it was cold. I don't guess I blame her too much. But I really want my boys to get out and see the world.

So I was determined that as soon as I was able to move around comfortably, my maternity leave would be chock full of things for us to do inside -- and especially outside -- of this house.

Today was our first outing. We went to a favorite neighborhood coffee house and bookstore, for a morning sing-along.

It was the boys' first time, I'm ashamed to say, even though I know, and really like, the owner of the shop and Lester and I frequent this place all the time. (Homemade organic muffins to die for!)

They both loved it! Cary enjoyed wandering around playing with all the toys and books. Dean, as usual, couldn't get enough of the music. They both loved seeing all the children, just about their size. Dean was as helpful as ever, handing a little boy his fallen sippy cup, and putting toys back on the shelves after the music ended. Cary was as busy as ever, wandering from corner to corner, inspecting everything, and asking random people to tell him what things were.

I had a blast, laughing as Dean shimmied his hips and Cary did his stiff-man shuffle to all the songs they sing at home every day. It was great to be out with other mothers and kids, among the living! I didn't even cry (not even a little) when a mom with a 5-week-old in a baby carrier discreetly nursed throughout the sing-along.

I had my three sweeties with me, singing and playing and clapping (and in Clair's case, napping) and that was all that mattered!

Yay for kids' music to get you out of a funk! :-) Clap! Clap!

Here they are...having a great time (despite their solemn faces, I assure you):

Swimming to the surface, slowly

I am here. I am alive and happy, trying valiantly to swim my way up to the surface of this murky new life Lester and I have ushered in. I won't lie; it is hard work. It somehow seems harder than even the first few weeks of having twin newborn preemies.

Perhaps that's because the first two weeks of having the boys were spent in the NICU, which brought its own difficulties emotionally, but also -- interestingly enough -- in hindsight, offered many blessings:

• It gave me time to figure out the pumping and nursing thing, without the worry of whether or not I was starving my offspring;
• It kept me busy during the day, but allowed my body to heal and rest during full nights of sleep;
• And it provided an army of trained nurses and baby-care experts ready and willing to answer all our questions, give us helpful tips and get the babies on a sleeping and eating schedule that all we needed to do to keep it up was, simply, keep it up.

It's funny. I never thought of the NICU that way before, but now that I have had a healthy singleton and been sent home from the hospital, C-section pain and all, to figure a brand new person out all on my own, I'm seeing things a little differently.

It could also be that, as LauraC says, we were prepared for twins to be hard. How could twin newborns not be? But we (well, I, mostly) had been naive to think that one baby wouldn't be so hard. And people, meaning to be helpful, often reinforced that, telling us that we'd likely find having one baby -- after having twins -- to be a walk in the park. One person even said we'd probably be bored!

Or perhaps it is just that we have really forgotten how hard it really was to have twin newborns at home for the first few weeks. Perhaps the many months of charting the boys' growth and development, of watching them smile and learn and walk and laugh, have made misty the memories of sleepless nights and eating breakfast at lunch time and skipping showers and raging emotions and too many tears to count.

Who knows exactly why having just one this time around seems so difficult. Maybe it's a combination of all those things. Maybe it's just because having a new baby is hard at times, and that's just the way it is.

Whatever the reasons, it is better today than it was yesterday, and yesterday was better than the day before. That is encouraging. And besides that, I am here with the people I love most in the world. I am alive and healthy and blessed beyond measure. I am happy.

And because I have been through this before - double time - I know I will get to the surface of this. I will get there. I will.

--------------------------------------------------
Update on Clair:

1. I am pretty sure she has colic (Yay!) but we took her to the doctor today for a regular two-week appointment and he said we should try to regulate her eating a little bit more before making that diagnosis, getting her on an every three-hour schedule, instead of snacking all day (an ounce here; a half an ounce an hour later, etc.) and see if that helps her not feel so gassy and bloated at night. So we're trying that.

2. She slept in her crib today for three naps! Each nap she tolerated it less and less, but at least she saw the inside of her crib! And with any luck, she'll see even more of it from now on.

3. She's 8 lbs., 10 oz. now, which means she gained a pound in 10 days!

4. Trying to get her to drink her bottle on a schedule is going to be hard! When she wakes up hungry two HOURS before her next feeding -- like she did today -- it's torture to watch her cry and cry and cry. This of course leads to tears on my part and boy oh boy am I sick of the post-partum weepies!
Anyway, I know this has to be done, just like the slow transition to her own bed/bedroom. So, I just have to do it. Man up, Tanika!

5. She gets cuter and cuter every day. Especially since packing on the pound (ha-ha), which filled out some of the newborn wrinkles in her face. I can't stop kissing her face. Which also makes the feeding schedule hard, because every time I kiss her little cheeks, she thinks I'm food, and starts rooting. Awww. Poor thing.

6. Nursing is officially done. And I can't stop crying about it. I feel so many ways about my inability to nurse my baby and some of the feelings are in direct opposition to one another. Completely crazy, right? It's also hard because people keep asking me how it's going. And some people are quite opinionated about how I decided to handle things. But mostly I just hope that, if Clair reads this sometime in her future, she'll know that I wanted to nurse her. I wanted to give her the very best of everything, even from the start. And I couldn't or didn't, for many reasons, but I love her fiercely, and I'll work hard every day of my life to nourish her with my love.
(And Enfamil. :-) )

P.S. Ugh! These darn weepies! Man up, Tanika!! Ugh!

Leap Day blues...

It's Leap Day and I think I might be baby blues-ing.

This morning, I sent (a version of) this e-mail to a friend, and it was good to get it out..:

I have a cold. It's kicking my butt, so in addition to being sleep deprived and still sore, there's that to contend with.

Clair is a lovely baby but not inclined to sleep alone at night. This is problematic as we are not the co-sleeping family, which you know. But I do like having her near. She's such a sweetie!!

The boys are ignoring her for the most part although Cary did say last night, as we were going up to bathtime, "Baby Cware comin too." I thought that was so cute! Dean had been handling her arrival just fine but this weekend he started being a real BEAR about every damn thing -- and I have no idea what to do about it. I feel like I'm constantly putting him in timeout, or speaking sharply to him or giving him the stern eyes or being generally disapproving because he has seriously gone nuts, girl! I don't know if this is just prepping for the terrible 2 year old madness, or if it's Clair-related or both.
But it is not fun.

Lester and I are stressed and tired and at each other's throats. We had newborn/family photos taken yesterday and they were fairly ruined by the fact that we'd been arguing for an hour before the photographer got here, and I'd been crying and I'm sick and he threatened not to be in the pics and by the time she got here I was exhausted and sad and less than enthusiastic about doing anything but going back to bed. Which I did. And I felt better after my nap. And he has since apologized. But I am nursing residuals. And we're just not clicking really. So even our non-argumentative moments seem tense to me. Or maybe distant.

My breasts don't work. I'm giving up the nursing and it's not really something I want to talk about much more beyond that because it makes me cry.

Did I mention I am a huge hormonal mess? I cry a lot (about things both happy and sad) and I know this is normal, but it is hard for Lester, I think. There's a lot of pressure on him. He's doing just about everything alone and his wife is weepy half the day. So if only for that reason, I'll be glad when things inside my body have balanced out.

I know this sounds quite gloomy, but I honestly am in love with my daughter and I have the sense enough to know that "this too shall pass." So I'm just trying to get through these first few very difficult months with as little collateral damage as possible. Ice cream is helping!! :-)

OK. I need to go scrounge around for breakfast. Lester usually brings me some in bed (that is something really sweet he's done) but today he had to run to the bank b/c the cleaning lady is here and we totally forgot she was coming, so we have no cash to pay her. So I guess he forgot about breakfast, today. It's OK. I don't blame him (at least for this). He really has been doing so much!! I suppose I need to remember my goal to be a more grateful person, yes?

As this was a note meant just for my friend, I had no problem with being perfectly open and honest with her. But putting it out here on the blog makes me feel vulnerable and whiny and a little bit crazy. I considered notposting it. But it is me at my most honest, and that is what this blog is supposed to be, right? Also, the more I re-read it, the more I think I may actually have a little case of the baby blues, exacerbated by a stupid head cold, and post-surgery soreness and sleepiness and a microscopic longing for things the way they used to be (simply because I was used to them that way.)

And baby blues is to be expected right?

So, putting it out there, I am! And I hope if anyone reads this, now or later, and is helped by me admitting very personal, vulnerable things, that I'll have done some good. It at least helped *me* to write it all down. What's the word? Cathartic, I think. Yes.

Meanwhile -- PHOTOS!!

This is what my daughter does between 10 p.m. and 3 a.m. Checks out the scenery, stares at me or the headboard, fusses some, flails some, and just generally wants to be social. Methinks I need to break out my sleep training book that we used for the boys. But she's just so little and cute and singular! Awwww!:



This is what she does during the day. Sleeps comfortably while on someone's chest (usually mine) and sleeps fitfully in her bassinet. But look how sweet and cozy she looks!:



This is what my boys do all day. Perpetual motion. Harass one another. Tantrum. Defy. Get sent to time-out:



And, as if on cue, they have become very "big brother"-like lately. Here, they are cracking up because I said "soup," and they mutated it into "poop." Just like any self-respecting big brother should. I gotta admit, this made me laugh out loud and giggle right along with them.
This is why children are awesome!



I may be baby bluesing, but it can't be that bad, because I look at these photos and all I think is, "Lord, I am so blessed and lucky. Thank you!"

Chronos vs. Kairos

A friend in my Unbalanced Mommies group sent a link to this article a couple days ago.

It echoes a lot of the sentiments I've expressed here about parenting: It's wonderful AND it's hard. It's fulfilling AND it's frustrating. And mostly that it's OK to admit that you don't always love, love, love every single minute of it. It's a funny article and worth reading.

But the best part about it, to me, is how the writer breaks down the different ways to view the time we spend doing all the things we do all day every day. She talks about Chronos time -- the day-to-day grind; and she talks about Kairos time. According to this writer, "Kairos is God's time. It's time outside of time. It's metaphysical time. It's those magical moments in which time stands still."

Her advice is to try to step outside of Chronos time as often as possible and view things through Kairos time. I don't know if I'm wedded to the words she uses, necessarily, but I have been trying to do that more often.

I am in a phase right now where things are really hard and really beautiful all at the same time. My abdomen hurts, my breasts don't work, my house is a wreck, I miss playing with -- and doing for -- my boys, and I'm hormonal and sleepy and sluggish from hydrocodone.

But I also have this tiny perfect little creature who curls up into a ball on my chest and breathes little fairy breaths into my neck. Her hair is so soft and her hands so small, and she smells like love.

Focusing on that, instead of the other stuff doesn't make the other stuff go away. It just makes it more -- much more -- bearable.

As proof, here are more photos of my little fairy girl.

Meeting Clair for the very first time:


Holding Clair for the first time:


In her bassinet (where she sleeps just fine during the day and refuses to even entertain at night):


In her baby swing:


Meeting my good friend, her Auntie Kelly:


Meeting her cousin Russy, who told me he is getting "his own baby," a new little brother, in about 4 to 6 weeks:


At her first doctor's visit, in the bathtime bunting her Daddy bought her:

Sleeping peacefully.

Bringing the drama.

Now you tell me she isn't worth it all, a million times over.

World, meet Clair Elise Davis!

Thanks to my sweetie's thoughtfulness, you all know by now that I am now the proud mother of one utterly adorable and completely unpredictable Clair Elise Davis!

We're home from the hospital now and I am exhausted and sore (good GRIEF this C-section incision hurts!) and hormonal and oh-so-happy!

I have so much to say about this labor/delivery/hospital stay/little baby girl -- but Lester covered the gist of it (wasn't that such a cute post? I didn't even know he was going to do that! Awww!) so I'll instead do two things.

First: Thanks and shout-outs and love-grams forever to Beth for coming all the way out to Baltimore with FOOD!!! for the freshly-home-from-the-hospital Davis family and also -- just because she is JUST that awesome -- gifts for Clair, as well as for Cary and Dean!!! Seriously, she wins the blogfriend of the year award with that wonderful move. And honestly, I think it's way past time I stopped calling her a blogfriend, don't you? I'd like to think that she and I are just plain ol' friend-friends now. And I'm so happy and blessed to count her among the many amazing women I hold dear to my heart in that category.
Thanks so much, Beth! My entire family thanks you!

Second: PHOTOS!!

Clair Elise, born 2/16/12 at 11:21 a.m. -- 7 lbs., 14. oz of pure loveliness.



Hmmm. Shall I give Mommy a break and nurse today? Or ever? No. I don't think that I will.



Headed home from the hospital. My first car ride. My adorable hat. My enormous pacifier!



Curve Ball -- curved into a ball. (I love this photo.)



It is not an exaggeration to say that this man has lost his ever-lovin'-mind over this little girl. Lost his mind, do you hear me? Hello, Daddy? Meet Clair's little finger. Then twist yourself right on around it. It's a wrap for you, sir.



Cary and Dean meet their little sister for the first time, two days after she's born. The jury's still out as to what they think about her. I won't get into it here, about how differently they reacted to her -- and me -- on this day. I'm sure there will be many posts about this topic in the future.



Cary, coming in for a closer look.



Contemplative Clair.



Silly Clair.



She's got a lot of personality already, folks. Hold on to your hats! This is gonna be one fun ride!