Updates, updates, updates

Here's what's been happening in the world of the Davises lately:

I've been out and about like an adult!

First, Lester and I went to the Green School Gala, an annual fundraiser for the charter school of which I'm on the board. The Gala was tons of fun (read: drinking! dancing! free food!) and thanks to my lovely friend Stacey, we didn't even have to pay a babysitter! Thanks so much, Stacey!! You are awesome!

There was also a silent auction. Somehow, my wine-stoked competitive streak latched on to a photo of the Domino Sugar sign, a Baltimore landmark. I demanded Lester be "aggressive" about winning it, and darnit if he didn't take me up on it. We won the frikkin' thing, and I don't even want to say how much we bid on it, especially considering this is the Year of Austerity. Good grief. Remind me never to participate in a silent auction when there is also wine involved.

But -- the gala raised $15,000 for the school, so I guess it was for a good cause. And it's tax deductible. And we have this pretty cool picture:

Also, I got to get dressed up, in a dress and heels and everything! (Post-pregnancy illusion of thinness courtesy of the 5 S's: Stand up straight, Suck it in, Spanx, Spanx, Spanx.)

Saturday, I also went out for dinner and drinks with my fabulous friend BETH!

We went to an undisclosed Italian restaurant where we just might have been on Candid Camera, where the sorta-hot, possibly under-aged bartender just might have been married to a transvestite tramp, and where our pen to sign the credit card statement just might have been some sort of ancient Irish phallic symbol. Other than those curiosities, we had a really great time talking and laughing and not having to share our meals with tiny people!

Speaking of tiny people, I also took the boys out for some Saturday morning yard-sale shopping, soccer-game watching, park-playing and Red Canoe-visiting.

I love the fact that they have all kinds of things for kids to play with at the Red Canoe, especially books!

There were no meltdowns worth mentioning during said outing, I bought lunch for everyone instead of fixing it myself, and my boys and Clair all conked out for three hours after we got home, allowing me to listen to This American Life and take a nap on the sofa, too. Yes, it was a great weekend!

Speaking of Clair, she has discovered her hand -- and it apparently is quite delicious! (This photo cracks me up):

And... at 10 weeks and some change, she's still super-cute! See?

Meanwhile, in other news:

Remember the potty excitement? Me, hollering "Poop!! Poop!"  And being giddy?
Yeah. Well. Here's what has come of the potties:

 Stepstools.

Or sometimes...seats.

No pooping. No peeing. No nothin'... Oh well. I knew this was going to be a long haul.

And here's the latest on the maternity leave checklist:

• Finish sending out thank-you cards to friends
• Organize and clean out my basement Starts tomorrow!
• Swap out winter and spring/summer clothes
• Figure out what to do with maternity clothes (consignment? Freecycle? Give to a friend?)
• Frame (and/or re-frame) photos; hang them in the house Started this project.
• Find an aesthetically-pleasing (or if not, then cheap and easy) way to organize the boys' books in the living room play area
• Take my bedroom comforter to the Laundromat to wash
• Take my Christmas tablecloth to the dry cleaners (yes, I still have not done that and it's April. And what?)
• Take some things back to Macy's/Target
• Get a pedicure
• Get my eyebrows done
• Go to the Dominicans and get my hair done  
• (This item and the previous two are all part of Operation Bring the Sexy Back.  New spring/summer clothes are also a part of that mission, but only after this baby belly has gone the way of the wooly mammoth.) I bought a few things, but nothing compared to what's coming when my gut is gone. Lester, be prepared for the spending spree, sweetie.
• Go visit friends with Clair, or the boys, or all 3 (Kelly, in particular)
• Go visit friends all alone! Preferably where a meal and cocktails are present (Angel, Kelly, Beth, Stacey) Beth- check; Stacey and Kelly -- next week or the following week, for sure!
• Go visit Granddad
• Have lunch with Lester during the work week
• Go out with Lester on a real grown-up date Went to the Green School Gala. Michelle will babysit on May 4, so we're going out again. Yay!
• Take my Dad out for lunch again, this time with Tahira since she missed it last time
• Get Clair on a predictable eating and sleeping schedule Getting there, somewhat.
• Get Clair sleeping in her own bed Yeah, right.
• Wean the boys from their nighttime bottle Down to 3 ounces a night.
• Get on the pill Picked up my prescription. Gotta wait for Aunt Flo to show before I can start taking them.
• Get on the pill! Where is Aunt Flo?
• Get ON THE PILL! Seriously, where the HECK is Aunt Flo?
• Make an appointment with my primary care doctor to get my sugars tested Called and he said call back in 3 weeks, because they need a certain amount of time to have passed after delivery to get a true reading.
• Plan and have the boys' 2nd birthday party. Now I don't know if we're having a party. I keep going back and forth. Will keep you posted. 

 That's it for updates for now. Tomorrow is Clair's doctor's appointment, so I'll report back about that. I'm also starting my basement project tomorrow, so if anyone has a trained canary to send after me, please get it ready. It just might come in handy. Ugh!

Second opinion confusion

So Cary's red, itchy rash flared up again Wednesday night. My poor sweetie was scratching like a madman, and I felt so sorry for him, I ran out pretty much in my pajamas to buy cortisone and Benadryl. I also ended up scratching my own head, because we have been nowhere near shrimp, thank you very much. So where is this rash coming from?

So first thing yesterday, I called our pediatrician and took Cary in. Our first visit had been to the Pediatric After Hours doc at the hospital where the boys were born.  That's who told us the rash was most likely related to the shrimp in the Chinese we'd had the night before. But our pediatrician, Dr. Bodnar, took a close look at Cary's chest, asked a few questions, and said it was almost certainly NOT a reaction to shrimp or any other food, but instead a reaction to something topical.

Grrrr! Two different doctors. Two very different opinions. One itchy little boy. One confused Mommy.

Why can't anything about having babies/toddlers/kids be simple?

I suppose with all the diaper rash, Cary has shown himself to have sensitive skin, so I wouldn't be surprised if Dr. Bodnar was spot on with his assesment. Dr. Bodnar said the most likely culprits are bubble baths, detergents and laundry-related items, lotions and sunscreens. He recommended we stop using bubble bath altogether (poor kids!) and stop using the laundry detergent we use, because of the stain-fighting agent (poor Mom!)...

On the way home, I actually remembered that I recently began putting in their tub a lavender-scented nighttime bubble bath from Johnson & Johnson that someone gave us. And I forgot to mention that to either doctor. But I bet you $5 that's what did it. Stupid J&J! This is why we never used that stuff when they were babies. I guess I thought they were hardier now, at nearly 2. Let this be a reminder to me that they are still little teeny sweeties and need to always be handled with tender loving care.

Anyway,  even if it is just the J&J poison-bubble-bath causing the flare-ups, I'll take Dr. Bodnar's advice and discontinue use of anything that might irritate my sweetie's skin, because it was so sad watching him scratch himself raw like that. If you squint, in good light and look verrrrry closely at this picture, you can see some of the aftermath of all that scratching.

Are you squinting?! It's there, I swear. TWO doctors saw it. I swear!

If this works for Cary, I'll be very happy, even though it likely means going back to blah, unscented laundry detergent and boring bathwater. Not to mention drab, stained toddler clothes. Sigh.

Storyville 2012

Last August, I took the boys to Storyville for the first time. They were new walkers and still very babyish. I remember meeting an 18-month-old boy there and being amazed at how much older he seemed than my two 15-month-olds.

So now, watching my almost 2-year-olds play there, I was amazed yet again.
Babies no more; these boys are boys! Playing, pretending, talking up a storm. 

What a difference 8 months makes.

Cary said, "Eat, baby! Eat breakfast!"

Dean put these two babies in the crib and told them to "Take a nap!"

Washing the clothes.

Dean liked the Lego table, but couldn't take his eyes off the loft upstairs where the really big kids played.

Cary gave the bear a hug and then sat on his lap. "Sit!" he said. "Sit on bear rap!"

Look familiar, anyone?

And even though it has nothing to do with Storyville, I have to include this photo of Clair, just because I love this picture of her.

My sleeping beauty:

Good Lord, I love this girl.

Parenting poetry

Lester and I love to learn. In fact, one of the things I love most about my husband is that he tries to learn something new everyday. He reads three different newspapers, pretty much cover to cover (Washington Post, New York Times, Baltimore Sun) and sends me articles he thinks would interest me. Later, when we have time (ha!) we talk about them. It's like newspaper-club, instead of bookclub. And it's really how I stay up-to-date on most of the world's news.

So when we learned that a few top colleges (Princeton, Stanford, U of Michigan and Penn) joined to create an online university that offers courses for free, we jumped at the chance to be a part of it.
 
Through Coursera, you get the chance to study from great professors through video lectures, and collaboration with thousands of others who have signed up. For FREE. How cool is that?


So we, both being writers (at one time in our lives anyway), signed up for a 10-week course on Modern and Contemporary Poetry, by a Penn professor. We'll look at such writers as William Carlos Williams, Lorine Niedecker, John Ashbery, Rae Armantrout, Gertrude Stein, Anne Waldman, Amiri Baraka, Charles Bernstein, Emily Dickinson and Walt Whitman. And we'll get to write some poetry of our own.

It starts in September. I'm excited!! Did I mention this is all FREE?

Anyway, to practice, I thought I'd write a little pedestrian piece of poetry about how quickly my boys are growing up and away from me. I never was much of a poet, truthfully. But maybe this class will help me get better.

Storm Door

Music blares from cars outside; children hang, shriek and laugh.

My boys are rapt. 

All I want to do is keep them safe, innocent

With me.

How long will this storm door hold them?

My shrimpie can't eat shrimp

I have been actually doing things during the day, like spending more time with Cary and Dean, cleaning my bedroom, folding clothes, grocery shopping, visiting with friends, going to fun places with the kids, etc. So I have not had time to blog.

I hate it when that happens because so much time passes that I miss things I really wanted to get down.

For that ONE reason, I'll be glad when I get back to work. I seemed to find a few minutes during the day more often when I was situated in front of my office computer for hours on end.

I have only a little bit of time, because Clair will be up from a nap soon so this will be quick.

Most importantly, we found out last week that Cary may have a food allergy!

Upon discovering redness, bumps and scratches all over his chest and stomach, I took him to the doctor. After answering a million questions, it seems the most likely culprit is the Chinese food we had the night before, when my Mom came to stay the night with us. I gave the boys fried rice and the broccoli out of my shrimp and broccoli. They love broccoli and kept asking for more, "Brocki, please!!" they kept saying. So I kept giving!

But the shrimp must have lingered in the sauce, because it apparently made my sweetie break out in a rash. Awwww.

At the doctor, Cary was a good sport. And all the nurses loved him. "What an angel," one said.
HA!

It was true, though, that he was much better behaved without Dean there. It was also nice just to spend time with him alone, since we never get to do that. Lester said the same thing when we made it home: that it was nice to spend time with Dean all by himself. So we're going to try to do that more often. Minus the shellfish.

(I need to point out here how BLOWN I am that Cary might be allergic to shellfish. I LOVE shrimp and lobster and Lester loves crabs! Now we'll have to be extra careful around him when we have those things. And he is not going to like it when we tell him "No." Sigh. Poor little itchy baby!)

Checklist update and Mommy-guilt kicks in

So Janna (oh, she of the most beautiful twin boy-children I have ever seen), asked me how I was doing with the Maternity Leave Checklist. Good question, I thought. So I thought I'd check, just to keep a running tally.

So here's where I am (with 5 weeks of maternity leave to go):

• Finish sending out thank-you cards to friends
• Organize and clean out my basement
• Swap out winter and spring/summer clothes
• Figure out what to do with maternity clothes (consignment? Freecycle? Give to a friend?)
• Frame (and/or re-frame) photos; hang them in the house
• Find an aesthetically-pleasing (or if not, then cheap and easy) way to organize the boys' books in the living room play area
• Take my bedroom comforter to the Laundromat to wash
• Take my Christmas tablecloth to the dry cleaners (yes, I still have not done that and it's April. And what?)
• Take some things back to Macy's/Target
• Get a pedicure
• Get my eyebrows done
• Go to the Dominicans and get my hair done (This item and the previous two are all part of Operation Bring the Sexy Back. New spring/summer clothes are also a part of that mission, but only after this baby belly has gone the way of the wooly mammoth.) I bought a few things, but nothing compared to what's coming when my gut is gone. Lester, be prepared for the spending spree, sweetie.
• Go visit friends with Clair, or the boys, or all 3 (Kelly, in particular)
• Go visit friends all alone! Preferably where a meal and cocktails are present (Angel, Kelly, Beth, Stacey) I have dates scheduled with Beth and with Stacey. Angel, Kelly? Where you at, yo?
• Go visit Granddad
• Have lunch with Lester during the work week
• Go out with Lester on a real grown-up date Just asked Michelle to babysit on May 4, so that's in the works
• Take my Dad out for lunch again, this time with Tahira since she missed it last time
• Get Clair on a predictable eating and sleeping schedule
• Get Clair sleeping in her own bed
• Wean the boys from their nighttime bottle Down to 6 ounces a night. Next week starts 5 ounces.
• Get on the pill Picked up my prescription yesterday. Gotta wait for Aunt Flo to show before I can start taking them.
• Get on the pill!
• Get ON THE PILL!
• Make an appointment with my primary care doctor to get my sugars tested Called and he said call back in 3 weeks, because they need a certain amount of time to have passed after delivery to get a true reading.
• Plan and have the boys' 2nd birthday party. Working on this. It'll be on May 12th, and I'm going to get them a play kitchen. But that's as far as I've gotten.

Looking at this list makes me think about the fact that I am doing a lot more this maternity leave than I EVER did when I was home with the boys. This is good news; it shows I'm getting better at this "being a Mommy" business. But my Mommy-guilt makes me think that maybe I should be concentrating a bit more on my newborn baby. :-(

When I was home with C and D, I was really paralyzed at the idea of taking two infants anywhere by myself. So I just stayed in the house, by myself. And consequently, I spent a lot of time just being with them: singing, talking, reading, sitting in front of a long floor mirror turned on its side, pointing out the features on their little faces, doing Tummy Time etc. I can't say I was aware of this time as "quality time," necessarily; as I noted, it was mostly by default because I was NOT leaving the house and I was sorta freaked out and fascinated by them, so I over-compensated by being all up in their faces all the time.

But with Clair, I'm not so freaked out. So I know if I leave her in the bouncy chair for a bit while I have a sandwich -- or clean out the basement -- she'll live. And I have two boys to play with, so I'm often holding her in one arm while entertaining/chastening/tending to them. She's like an appendage, sometimes, if I'm being honest. A cute and cuddly appendage, but still...

So should I really just chill out on all the chores, and try to cherish this time that I'm getting with her? She really is a totally fun baby -- much more animated and smiley than Cary and Dean ever were at this age (or even older, actually). And you can tell she craves closeness and socialization. She LOVES it when we talk to her and smile at her and sing at her. LOVES it. So maybe I should give her that while I'm off? It's only 5 weeks of time that I get with her. And what on this list can't be done another time, like a weekend or a random day off? And what will really happen if something on this list doesn't get done? Meanwhile, my baby daughter (my LAST child ever) will only be this age once. And never again.

Look how peaceful and sweet she is when she sleeps! Awww.

Dilemma!Sigh. Perhaps there's a happy medium?

Poop!

We have POOP! We have POOP!

Michelle and I have started introducing the potty to the boys. Very slowly and with no pressure or real schedule or consistency -- just introducing it, like, "Hey Cary,  hey Dean. Meet Potty. He's gonna hang around here for awhile. Why don't you get familiar?"

So far, they've mostly enjoyed sitting on it, while Michelle or I read to them, and also standing on top of it. We had a little bit of pee in one (Dean's) last week, but other than that, nothing. Which is fine with me, because we're not earnestly potty-training until after the boys' next doctor's appointment, when I can talk to my pediatrician about it and also find out what's the best potty training book to read. (Seriously, how would I parent my children without Amazon.com?)

But today, even without us really trying, Dean pooped in the potty!!! (Picture me doing my pooped-in-the-potty-dance!)

I took a picture of it and sent it to Lester at work, who pronounced the achievement "exciting and gross at the same time," but I will spare you the evidence of Dean's poopage and just show you how enthralled the boys were by it:

Holy poopage, Batman! That came out of Dean!

Believe me, I kinda had to stare at it too. It was...hmmm...what's a polite way to say this? Umm...it was *impressive.* 

Like I said, we're far from even really starting potty-training in earnest, so I know we have a long way to go before this is a regular occurrence, but am I wrong for already mentally spending the money we'll save in buying diapers once they're really trained!!!? Whoo-hooo, Momma needs a new pair of shoes!

Boys survive 1st Dentist's Appointment!

Cary and Dean had their first ever dentist's appointment today.

I thought this was sooo cute, on the door of the dentist's office when we walked in. But a friend points out that it might just be a HIPAA violation. Whoops! I still think it's cute.

The status report: No cavities!!! But plenty of tears.

Thank God Lester and I both went to this appointment, because we needed all four hands on deck to keep the boys calm enough for the dentist to poke around in their mouths, count their teeth, check for cavities and paint on some flouride. (Note: The whole appointment took about 8 minutes. Which would have been great, if our waiting room time hadn't been over an HOUR.)

P.S. Cary has 16 teeth (right on schedule), and Dean has 12, with 4 cutting through, which might explain his crankiness and clinginess. Actually, he's just cranky and clingy. Who am I kidding?

The boys actually did better than I thought with the dental exam -- and they probably would have done even better, if it hadn't been for the fact that the office was backed up, so we had to wait, as I noted, more than an hour in the waiting room. So by the time our name was finally called, the boys were a little tired, needing a snack, and completely opposed to leaving behind the treasure chest of books, blocks and other amazingly fun things for them to do.

My babies thought they were big boys, "playing" video games! But their favorite thing in the waiting room was a pretend kitchen, which kept them enthralled. I know what THEY'RE getting for their birthday!

The crying ensued before we even made it to the dentist's chair, and scaled up as we got to the clinical part of the office, so needless to say I wasn't able to get any lovely photos of them with wide, protesting mouths and crocodile tears. Sigh. My photojournalism skills fail miserably in the face of twin temper tantrums.

Next time, hopefully they'll see us sooner, so the boys don't get the idea that the dentist's office is really a big playroom. I want them to get it that we go there so the doctor can check their teeth, not so that they can pretend to make food in the little play kitchen for an hour. (Am I asking too much too soon?)

The dentist was very happy with the boys' teeth, and the fact that they are pretty much juice-and-soda free. He did (kindly) stress to us the importance of getting them off the bottle at night, and when I told him I was already on it, reducing their milk by an ounce a week until their birthday, he wasn't impressed. He said I need to make sure the last thing in their mouths at bedtime is their toothbrush and toothpaste, not milk. So unless I'm brushing their teeth after they have their bottle (which I'm not; we brush during bathtime) then I'm not doing the boys' teeth any favors.

I considered what he said very seriously, but I honestly think at this point I'm just going to stick with the plan to wean them over the next few weeks. They will be 2 on May 11, and either that week or the very next week, they will have their last nighttime bottle. (God-willing and the creek don't rise.)

I think my sweet little baby boys need the full month to transition out of that bedtime ritual.

And I know I do. :-(

Note: Next dentist's appointment is in 6 months, and I'll have to pull them out of SCHOOL to take them! Egads!! Time is FLYING. I can't stand it! Seriously, stop this train!

Easter weekend recap

What a glorious weekend!

Friday, Lester and I went on a date! It was a lunch date and Clair was with us, but it was a date nonetheless, so I can cross that off my list of things to accomplish before maternity leave wraps up. (Hopefully, we can cross that one off a few more times before maternity leave wraps up.)

We just went into D.C., visited his aunt for her birthday, visited my sister and baby Matthew at home and then went and had a leisurely lunch, complete with a brownie sundae for dessert. Yummm. It was really nice. And to top it off, I wore a bad ass pair of RED jeans that I bought the day before, just to show Lester I still got it! Me...mom of three. In red skinny(ish) jeans. Out, eating at a restaurant like a grown-up. Hells yes, y'all.

Did I take a photo of this awesomeness? No, I totally forgot. But I will likely wear these jeans every time I go anywhere, so I'll document them another time.

Saturday, we lounged at the house a bit, and did the normal weekend-housework. I took Cary and Dean with me to the grocery store and there were absolutely NO problems. In fact, it was actually a lot of fun. I am so glad they're old enough now to take to the store. Now I see what Angel and Elizabeth like so much about it!

Then Sunday was Resurrection Day (AKA Easter) and you all know how much I love this day for all that it stands for. This day is so important to me, because it represents just how much God loves me and all the world. It says so much to me about faith, grace, forgiveness and love. I feel enormously grateful to be a child of God, but ever more so on Easter.

It is also a day of family and fun! This year was especially fun because Cary and Dean were old enough to participate in some of the festivities, like the Easter Egg Hunt. This was a favorite thing for me when I was a child, running around with my own cousins at my own Nana's house in Boston. So I cannot be happier that my children are getting to enjoy Easter egg fun, too. These are the kind of things I always dreamed of when I imagined having children. And God has seen to it that my dreams have come true.

Cousins!!

Clair missed most of the festivities, because she was napping. But Lester made sure she had a good time!

Maternity leave checklist

Best thing to see in the morning, especially after a long night!




Isn't that sweet?! :-)

So...writing down the things I want the boys to see and do before they turn 3 has me in the list-making mood.

So I've decided to write down the things I want to accomplish while I'm on maternity leave. Writing things down (and putting them out in the blogosphere) ups the ante and makes me more accountable. So, even though a lot of what I want to accomplish is mundane, I'm still gonna write it down.

Here goes:

• Finish sending out thank-you cards to friends
• Organize and clean out my basement
• Swap out winter and spring/summer clothes
• Figure out what to do with maternity clothes (consignment? Freecycle? Give to a friend?)
• Frame (and/or re-frame) photos; hang them in the house
• Find an aesthetically-pleasing (or if not, then cheap and easy) way to organize the boys' books in the living room play area
• Take my bedroom comforter to the Laundromat to wash
• Take my Christmas tablecloth to the dry cleaners (yes, I still have not done that and it's April. And what?)
• Take some things back to Macy's/Target
  
• Get a pedicure
• Get my eyebrows done
• Go to the Dominicans and get my hair done (This item and the previous two are all part of Operation Bring the Sexy Back. New spring/summer clothes are also a part of that mission, but only after this baby belly has gone the way of the wooly mammoth.)
  
• Go visit friends with Clair, or the boys, or all 3 (Kelly, in particular)
• Go visit friends all alone! Preferably where a meal and cocktails are present (Angel, Kelly, Beth, Stacey)
• Go visit Granddad
• Have lunch with Lester during the work week
• Go out with Lester on a real grown-up date
  
• Take my Dad out for lunch again, this time with Tahira since she missed it last time
  
• Get Clair on a predictable eating and sleeping schedule
• Get Clair sleeping in her own bed
• Wean the boys from their nighttime bottle
• Get on the pill
• Get on the pill!
• Get ON THE PILL!
• Make an appointment with my primary care doctor to get my sugars tested
• Plan and have the boys' 2nd birthday party
  

This is a sizeable -- and somewhat daunting list -- but some of these things can be done on the same day, and others have to happen over time. For what it's worth, I have already started decreasing the amount of milk in the boys' nighttime bottles; I have a prescription for the pill being called into my pharmacy as we speak; and I've been working on Clair's haphazard eating/sleeping/non-crib-loving self since she was born.

I also still want to do fun things with the boys while I'm off, so I'll have to squeeze all this in around that. Honestly, that's most important since I don't know if I'll ever have this kind of time off again while they're young.

So now it's out there, my To-Do list for maternity leave (which ends officially May 16, meaning it's halfway over. Ack!)

You all hold me accountable, OK? As I said, I may never have this kind of time again.

Giving your kids the best you can, Part 2

Lester and I both want the best for our boys. We see eye-to-eye on a lot of things, but on that shared value, we see whole-body to whole-body.

Unfortunately, on our salaries and in this old, underfunded, segregated city, "the best" -- when it comes to education -- quite often means "private." And "private" quite often means "majority white."

Lester and I are both people who pretty much grew up in majority-black cities, schools and environments.

But both of us were able to break out of the clannishness that kind of upbringing fosters to become great friends with people of all races and backgrounds. I absolutely adore my colorful plethora of friends. I love it that it doesn't matter to us what color someone is, or what religion or from what tax-bracket: We all love one another and accept one another and celebrate our differences and our commonalities. Many times, when we're hanging out with a big group of our friends, I think: "This is what the world should be like."

But, unfortunately, it is not. In fact, the world is far from what our circle of friends is like.

And so, we worry when we think that, in order to give Cary, Dean and Clair the very best education and experiences, we might also be ordering up for them a lifetime of isolation, discrimination, forced assimilation or feelings of inadequacy.

I know this can happen, because it happened to me. I wrote this article years ago on the anniversary of the historic Brown vs. Board of Education court case, which ordered the desegregation of schools. In it, I describe how being a part of a desegregation order myself changed my life for the better but still left behind in me feelings of inadequacy.

I wouldn't change the experience, not for a minute; I believe it helped shape who I am today. But I worry so much about my kids having to go through life trying hard to fit in, and feeling "less-than" if they don't. That's just one small advantage of growing up in a majority black environment. At least we know they wouldn't feel so "other." But, sadly, that's not enough of a reason to choose the childhood Lester and I experienced over the much more multi-cultural one we are trying to create now.

When President Barack Obama was elected, Lester and I hugged each other hard and cried. This historic election meant so much for us, for our families, for the children we would eventually have together. But we knew it wouldn't mean a true "post-racial" society, as some have suggested. We doubt such a thing will ever happen -- at least not in our lifetime. But for our children's sake, my goodness how we wish it were so! How we pray every day for our children to be recognized the world over as just as valuable, just as worthy, just as smart, just as beautiful.

That's why it hurts so much when a teenaged boy -- the same color as my boys -- gets shot and killed in a gated community for the crime of "looking suspicious."

That's why it stings when people say they won't go see a movie because a beautiful black girl -- with brown skin like my daughter -- was cast as a beloved character.

It shows that no matter who the President is, no matter where we live, no matter what schools we send them to, no matter how well we teach them to behave, speak well, work hard, love people, be respectful, stay out of trouble and honor God, their families and themselves -- no matter WHAT we do to prepare and protect them -- someone out there will see our wonderful, curious, delightful, sweet, hilarious babies and think "criminal," "scary," "untrustworthy," "value-less," "stupid," "ghetto," "ugly," "target."

So what do we do?

Our parents' way of handling things was to keep us -- for the most part -- sequestered in majority black communities. Even today, our families interact with folks from other races very, very little. It's a self-segregation for protection's sake. Though I understand it's origins, it's sad, I think. And limiting.

And it also is NOT who Lester and I are. It's not who we want our kids to be. I would abhor a life lived in such a monotone.

So we will do the best we can to give them the best we can -- in terms of education and socialization, community and character, values and principles, faith, finances, family and friends. And we will do the delicate dance many black parents before us have done, letting them know the unfortunate truth that there are people out there who will see them only for the color of their skin -- and make negative assumptions about them because of it. But also that many, many more people will accept, celebrate and love them neither because of nor despite it. Like the friends of ours they will come to know, those people will love them just for who they are.

We hope they will be aware of prejudice, discrimination, racism, bigotry, fear and ignorance, but not be stymied, crippled or in any way hindered by it. We pray they will shine and succeed in spite of it. We hope they will love the skin they're in, their hair, their noses, their far-from-privileged ancestry. We pray they will create for themselves a life full of beautiful people of all races, backgrounds, religions and cultures.

If Cary, Dean and Clair do that -- and God-willing, they will -- we will know that we have done for them the very, very best that we could do.

Giving your kids the best you can, Part 1

As part of his job, my husband is taking part in a springtime baseball tournament here between the city's public and private high schools. It's a really great idea, because the city public school kids get to play on the beautiful fields of the private schools, and against the well-heeled players who have more advantages (generally) than they. They also get exposure (scouts, newspaper write-ups, etc.) And both the public and private school kids get to experience new things and meet -- and have fun with -- new people. Win-win for everybody!

We've taken the boys to two rounds of the tournament, one on Saturday and one yesterday. Cary and Dean barely notice the games, and just love all the open space and the freedom to run and fall and people-watch. I love their little wind-chapped cheeks and grass-stained knees when we leave the baseball field. They are probably their happiest when we are outdoors. It does my heart good!

Seeing them out there, on high school fields, with all the high school boys, also makes me think about their eventual high school years, and the tough decisions we'll likely have to make (if we're still in Baltimore) about public vs. private school.

Lester and I both are products of public schools (though, coincidentally, we both also spent some time in Catholic schools as young children) and turned out just fine. We both believe in public education, and know enough to understand that the schools are only as good as 1) the taxbase supporting them and 2) the parents and community members involved and invested in them.

But the three school systems we're most linked to (the suburban Maryland system I graduated from; the D.C. system he graduated from, and Baltimore's, where we now live) are HORRIBLE. There's no other way to put it. They are deplorable. I just cannot see how we would ever send our kids to horrible schools, no matter what our political beliefs are about public education.

And the thing is, it's not just academics that we worry about (although that's first and foremost). Lester and I are both keenly aware of the power of the peer group. And we know that at a certain point, children demote the value of their parents' opinions in favor of their friends'.

That's why I always say, "It may be true that you can't pick your children's friends. But you can damn well try."

That means putting them in environments where they will be around people whose values are most like ours, whose outlook on life and leisure and hard work and integrity are most like ours. It doesn't mean we don't value diversity. We, of all people, know the importance of that. But diversity of race, income, religion, cultural background, etc. is something way different than diversity of core values. Unfortunately, most of the public schools in this area don't provide much diversity in either area, if I'm honest. So our choices as parents are really tough, and no matter what we decide to do, it won't be ideal. Something will be sacrificed.

Nevertheless, in addition to doing all we can to help give the boys a foundation at home of responsibility and love of learning, etc., Lester and I plan to do whatever we can to give them every advantage we can when it comes to where we live and where they go to school. We'd love nothing more than for that to mean public school (FREE school for three kids?!! Sign me up!) but if we can't find what we're looking for, we will live paycheck to paycheck and work really long hours and sacrifice vacations and dinners out and new clothes etc., to be able to send them to a private school that fits us and our ideals. It sucks. I know. But what choice do we have?

I know people will judge us. Some in our own families will, in fact. But we will do what we have to do for these children to give them every possible advantage. And then we will pray for God's help and protection. People can judge all they want.

Sadly, we know we will not be able to protect them from everything. The Trayvon Martin case -- which has blown up so big as to have even gotten a reaction from our nation's President -- reminds me of what my sons will face in this world, no matter what Lester and I do to try to prepare and shield them. And the way many people reacted to the fact that an adorable little black girl was cast as a beloved character in The Hunger Games movie shows me what my sweet little Clair will be up against as well.

Sigh. Sigh. Double sigh.

I'll need time to sort out my many feelings about that last paragraph in a somewhat coherent way.

So stay tuned for Part 2 of this post.

Synapse checklist 2012

** BREAKING NEWS: WE DID NOT WIN THE MEGA-MILLIONS!! WE ARE STILL BROKE.**

OK, now back to my regularly scheduled post.

As the boys approach their second birthday -- entering their third year of life -- I have been thinking a lot about their synapses. Those of you who have been even cursory readers of this blog know that I have a bit of an obsession with creating synapses in my children's growing brains.
Yes, I know this makes no sense.

Anyway, since so much of their brain development will have occurred by the time they reach age 3, this 2nd birthday means they are two-thirds of the way there!! Ack!! The heat is on for me to expose them to more new things, so that they will have the synapses for those things, and thus more building blocks to create more synapses later on.

So what things do I want them to do/see/experience this year?

• Go to the beach. Build sand castles. Watch the tide come in and out.
• Pick some fruit at a real fruit orchard. Bring it home and help Mommy make something out of it.
• Fly a kite.
• Ride public transportation.
• Have a picnic.
• Dig for earthworms after a good rain.
• Go to the State Fair. Ride some kiddie rides. Eat funnel cake.
• Sleep in a sleeping bag.
• Go to the zoo. (We've done this a bunch, but I think they're old enough to really get it now.)
• Play with Play-Doh. (I've been too chicken to break out the Play-Doh for fear of ingested Play-Doh, and Play-Doh stuck all over every darn thing.)
• Finger-paint. (Ditto.)
• See a real rainbow in the sky.
• Go on a hayride. Help Mommy or Daddy carve a pumpkin.
• See a parade, complete with floats and marching bands.
• Ride on some kind of boat.
• Participate in at least one, maybe two organized activities (music class, soccer, swim lessons,etc.)
  

Of course I also want them to have learned/accomplished some very important things, like potty training, counting to 20, shapes, colors, ABCs, helping to dress themselves, etc. But for some reason, the fun, experiential stuff seems like more of a challenge.

What's missing from this list? What else should 2-year-olds see and do by the time they turn 3?

A study in contrasts

I have been cognizant of the stark differences in my two boys since birth -- and actually, since they were in the womb, when Dean was a mover and a kicker and Cary made me call the OB because I could barely feel him.

But sometimes, more than others, I am really struck by how different they are. Today, for example, Michelle and I took the boys to Port Discovery, something we've done many times. I took photos, as I always do, but I didn't pay a lot of attention to what I was doing, really, because frankly I have a zillion photos of them at Port Discovery now. So I was sorta vacantly snapping.

When I got home, though, and went to share the photos by e-mail with Lester, I couldn't help but notice this:

Dean, in constant motion, so much so that he is hard to photograph:







And Cary, very often, sitting and reading:








This is not to say that Dean doesn't like to read. He does. And sing! Boy does he love to sing.

And it is not to say that Cary doesn't run around like a crazy person, tearing my house up every day. He most certainly does. His favorite words these days are, "outside," "pway" and "park."

Lester is very nervous when I start categorizing my boys in the way that this post is doing. And I truly don't want to label them, for many reasons, but especially because I want them to discover who they are and who they want to become without potentially-damaging interference.

But the camera don't lie, peoples. You can see it for yourselves.

People are who they are; even those lucky people who happen to share a womb and a birthday.

********
Meanwhile, CLAIR UPDATE!



We went for her 6 week check-up yesterday -- even though she's technically 6-weeks-old today (Happy 6 weeks, Clair!) -- and my sweetie is 10 lbs. 4 oz. and 22 inches long. Yay! She's well-nourished! (Guilt-ridden bottle-feeding mommas out there, you know what I'm talkin' about!)

She started smiling at me about 10 days ago, and boy does that whole-face, toothless smile make a difference to a sleep-deprived mother! So far, Clair is very, very smiley and is always moving her mouth as if she wants to talk to me. I think this means she will grow into a happy, chatty girl, and I am pleased as can be with that.

After her doctor's appointment, I went to Panera and ordered breakfast, sat a table and read the paper and e-mail, while Clair napped in her carseat. When she got fussy, I fed her and then held her in my arms while I continued to read. She was so peaceful and smiley (even in her sleep), and I started thinking about how wonderful it will be when I can really, really hang out with my daughter, just the two of us, out on the town, having a bite to eat and enjoying one another. Of course, I started crying a little bit thinking about just how happy I am that God chose me to have a daughter -- and that He chose Clair to be the daughter I got.

Of course, I have no idea who these three human beings I gave birth to will turn out to be in the long run. But they sure are spectacular right now.

Catching up in between feeding and napping

This blogging while parenting a new baby is proving more difficult than I thought!

It's been so long since my last post, I have so much to say, and of course Clair just woke up from a nap and is only being stalled temporarily from screaming by a glorious pacifier, so I don't know how much time I'll actually have.

But here goes.

Since last we met, a bunch has happened:

1. My Dad had his 60th birthday, and I took Clair down to D.C. to meet him for lunch to celebrate. It turned into a full day, as we picked up my middle sister, Kadija, from work so she could come too, and then the two of us went to visit our baby sister, Tahira, who had come home the day before from the hospital with her new baby, Matthew.

Check out Clair and Matthew together for the first time. She is SO much bigger than he, and only a month and a day older. But I suspect this won't last long, as Matthew's Dad is pretty big guy.



2. Our family noted that it has been a year (as of yesterday) since my brother Rashad's near-fatal car accident. This is cause for much rejoicing, and we're planning a big Easter-dinner celebration to really mark the occasion.

Here's Clair and her Uncle Rashad. This picture totally brings tears to my eyes, as there were many moments a year ago when we had no idea if he'd live or die. And here he is holding my unexpected baby daughter! So many miracles in this one photo, I can't even DEAL!
(Rashad calls her Lil' C. Why? I have no idea. But he has nicknames for everyone, so this is par for the course with him. I think it's cute...)



And here's Clair with her Uncle Haleem, my other brother. We don't get to see too much of him, because he is always off doing single-guy-with-no-kids things, so we will cherish this photo as evidence that he and she did, in fact, meet! And he fell in love instantly. (Of course.)



3. I got a little over-zealous with my newfound non-pregnant energy and decided to buy a bunch of organizational things at Target to try to make my house NOT look like a tornado hit it, and all the carrying heavy things and working has me feeling oh-so-sore. I had been feeling much better, but now I am having trouble sitting up in the bed again. So today, I am taking it easy, despite the fact that it is BEAUTIFUL outside (77 and sunny), and I really want to be outdoors with my boys. But come next week, back to getting my house in order!!!

4. Speaking of the boys, they are just getting so big and awesome! They are starting to tell "stories" about things that happened or things they'd like to happen. The stories have few, if any, verbs, mind you, mainly nouns, but you can certainly piece the tale together. One such exchange might go like this:

"Big Truck Book. Broke it. Dean. Mimi take it. Time out!"
or
"Outside, puh-leeeez. Park. Children. Later. After nap. Puh-leeeez."
or
"Bathtub. Upstairs. Mommy comin' too. MOMMY!! Comin!!"

It's so great to hear them start stringing so many thoughts together. We can actually have conversations! Last night at dinner, Cary told me he wanted a "new bib," because the one from lunch had "rice on it." (Hello, Mr. Neat-n-tidy!) So I got out two new bibs, one yellow and one blue. I handed Cary the yellow one and was about to hand Dean the blue one, when Cary said, "No! Blue one! Blue bib. No yellow one!"

This is the first time he's shown a preference for one item of clothing over another one. I was shocked. Who knew he cared which color bib he wore?

This, my friends, is so much better than screaming incessantly without words. I simply handed him the blue bib instead of the yellow one, and all was quiet at the table. Oh, the wonders of communication!! I know parents of older kids lament the nonstop talkativeness that comes with age, but I can't wait! (Will this come back to bite me? I'm pretty sure it will.)

Here's a cute video of Dean, attempting to sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and you can actually hear a little bit of an actual tune!



5. I am failing miserably at the "get-Clair-on-an-eating-and-sleeping-schedule" attempt. Not only does she eat and sleep when she darn well feels like it, she also still sleeps in our bed! ACK!
Do you know how opposed to this I am? And how powerless I am to stop it?
The problem is that she will sleep in her crib, but only after she is REALLY REALLY asleep. That means I have to hold her for 20-30 minutes to make sure she's knocked out before putting her down. During the day, I can do it. But at night, while lying in my bed, eyes weighted down, back hurting etc., it's really hard to hold her that long without falling asleep myself. And when that happens -- usually long before 20-30 minutes has passed-- I just lie her down in the between us and try to steal a few winks, too.
And then, when she does go down in her crib, even during the day, she never sleeps as long. She tosses and turns and frets, or sometimes wakes fully and cries to be held. Again, during the day this is bearable, but at night, I am so darn sleepy that I just want her to sleeeeeeeep (please dear Lord, let her sleeeeeep) so I allow her to snooze in between Lester and me at night. And for about a week now, that has meant at least one 4-hour stretch of sleep per night, usually between 2 and 6 or 3 and 7. Do you know how good those four hours feel? Let's just say I'm happily sacrificing my ...er..."romantic" life, ahem, by having her in the bed with us, just so I can keep those lovely four hours of sleep. That should give you an idea.

6. The boys and I (and Michelle and Clair) have been doing good with the getting out and about, enjoying this early Spring. And I am so struck by how much more like boys my boys are, and how much less like babies. At the playground, they actually interact with other children. They run from play area to play area, climbing and exploring and sliding. They fall, get up, brush their hands on their shorts and keep playing. Their knees are dirty -- or skinned -- when we get home. They have that outdoor smell at the dinner table. I can't get over it.

7. Lester and I are doing much better, now that both of us are getting a smidge more sleep (those four hours, I'm telling you!) and also now that we have determined that we HAVE to take even just a few minutes at the end of the day to stop, touch, and be together, without phones or Facebook or newspapers or anything in between us (although sometimes Clair is with us, but that can't be helped). This is working wonders, folks, and I urge you all to try it. Take 15 minutes and just lie on the bed together (not in a ...er... "romantic" way, necessarily -- unless you both want to, in which case, hells, yes!!) and hold each other and chat, or doze or watch HGTV or the Real Housewives of Atlanta and just BE together. Hold hands, or intertwine legs, or just lie cheek-to-cheek. It really makes a difference. We honestly don't get to do this every day, with all that we have going on, but just the few times a week we've done it has lifted the tension and re-introduced intimacy and made things so much lighter and sweeter. I highly recommend it.

OK, Clair woke up, drank her bottle, I had lunch and washed her up, and now she's asleep again, so that's my cue for a NAP.

I promise to get to reading all my friends' blogs soon. I miss you guys!

St. Paddy's Day surprise: Matthew is here!

Clair's soon-to-be BFF Matthew was born yesterday, St. Patrick's Day. I told my sister he's her little good luck charm! Awwww.


(Yes, Matthew's sleeper says "Kiss Me, I'm Irish." That's his big brother, Russy. And Tahira will probably kill me for posting this photo of her. Oh well. I think she looks like a little swollen version of my Mom here. So the photo stays.)

Matthew is a total sweetie, with huge hands and feet, despite being 4 weeks early. He has the teeniest little cry, which cracks me up, especially since Clair's wail is piercing and has been since birth.



Looking at him -- all 6 lbs. 8 oz. of preciousness -- I can't get over how big Clair has gotten in just one month. It is really amazing how fast they grow and change.

See for yourself how much less of a newborn -- and more of an infant -- she looks now:

Welcome to the world, Clair's new bestie. Can't wait to hang out with you and watch you grow! Auntie loves you!!

Happy 1-month-old day, Baby Clair!

I intended to do a big, huge update on all things Davis related, using Clair's 1-month-old birthday (!!!!) as the occasion.

But Baby Clair is refusing to be put down, even though she's fairly well asleep, so I only have one hand to type. So, instead, I'll just post pictures, and I'll try again for a written update later.


Clair today, looking smiley and wavey and beautifully brown:



Me, Dean and Clair at the playground:



Cary:



Dean:



Clair:



Cary, being silly, as always:



Dean, being helpful, as usual:



And...on the occasion of Clair's 1-month-birthday, here is My Wish for her and her brothers, as they grow (this song makes me bawl like a baby):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q4JFBsmyiFc

If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands! (Clap! Clap!)

Today has been a really good day! I don't feel tired or sore or too overwhelmed. In fact, I feel downright joyful!

What brought on this new rush of happiness? Getting out of the house!

Over the winter, Michelle didn't take the boys nearly as many places as I would have liked during the week, mostly because it's hard to take two toddlers anywhere by yourself, especially if any one of the crucial factors in twin-outings is off (how they slept; if they're hungry; what kind of random mood they're in for who-knows-what-reason). And also because it was cold. I don't guess I blame her too much. But I really want my boys to get out and see the world.

So I was determined that as soon as I was able to move around comfortably, my maternity leave would be chock full of things for us to do inside -- and especially outside -- of this house.

Today was our first outing. We went to a favorite neighborhood coffee house and bookstore, for a morning sing-along.

It was the boys' first time, I'm ashamed to say, even though I know, and really like, the owner of the shop and Lester and I frequent this place all the time. (Homemade organic muffins to die for!)

They both loved it! Cary enjoyed wandering around playing with all the toys and books. Dean, as usual, couldn't get enough of the music. They both loved seeing all the children, just about their size. Dean was as helpful as ever, handing a little boy his fallen sippy cup, and putting toys back on the shelves after the music ended. Cary was as busy as ever, wandering from corner to corner, inspecting everything, and asking random people to tell him what things were.

I had a blast, laughing as Dean shimmied his hips and Cary did his stiff-man shuffle to all the songs they sing at home every day. It was great to be out with other mothers and kids, among the living! I didn't even cry (not even a little) when a mom with a 5-week-old in a baby carrier discreetly nursed throughout the sing-along.

I had my three sweeties with me, singing and playing and clapping (and in Clair's case, napping) and that was all that mattered!

Yay for kids' music to get you out of a funk! :-) Clap! Clap!

Here they are...having a great time (despite their solemn faces, I assure you):

Swimming to the surface, slowly

I am here. I am alive and happy, trying valiantly to swim my way up to the surface of this murky new life Lester and I have ushered in. I won't lie; it is hard work. It somehow seems harder than even the first few weeks of having twin newborn preemies.

Perhaps that's because the first two weeks of having the boys were spent in the NICU, which brought its own difficulties emotionally, but also -- interestingly enough -- in hindsight, offered many blessings:

• It gave me time to figure out the pumping and nursing thing, without the worry of whether or not I was starving my offspring;
• It kept me busy during the day, but allowed my body to heal and rest during full nights of sleep;
• And it provided an army of trained nurses and baby-care experts ready and willing to answer all our questions, give us helpful tips and get the babies on a sleeping and eating schedule that all we needed to do to keep it up was, simply, keep it up.

It's funny. I never thought of the NICU that way before, but now that I have had a healthy singleton and been sent home from the hospital, C-section pain and all, to figure a brand new person out all on my own, I'm seeing things a little differently.

It could also be that, as LauraC says, we were prepared for twins to be hard. How could twin newborns not be? But we (well, I, mostly) had been naive to think that one baby wouldn't be so hard. And people, meaning to be helpful, often reinforced that, telling us that we'd likely find having one baby -- after having twins -- to be a walk in the park. One person even said we'd probably be bored!

Or perhaps it is just that we have really forgotten how hard it really was to have twin newborns at home for the first few weeks. Perhaps the many months of charting the boys' growth and development, of watching them smile and learn and walk and laugh, have made misty the memories of sleepless nights and eating breakfast at lunch time and skipping showers and raging emotions and too many tears to count.

Who knows exactly why having just one this time around seems so difficult. Maybe it's a combination of all those things. Maybe it's just because having a new baby is hard at times, and that's just the way it is.

Whatever the reasons, it is better today than it was yesterday, and yesterday was better than the day before. That is encouraging. And besides that, I am here with the people I love most in the world. I am alive and healthy and blessed beyond measure. I am happy.

And because I have been through this before - double time - I know I will get to the surface of this. I will get there. I will.

--------------------------------------------------
Update on Clair:

1. I am pretty sure she has colic (Yay!) but we took her to the doctor today for a regular two-week appointment and he said we should try to regulate her eating a little bit more before making that diagnosis, getting her on an every three-hour schedule, instead of snacking all day (an ounce here; a half an ounce an hour later, etc.) and see if that helps her not feel so gassy and bloated at night. So we're trying that.

2. She slept in her crib today for three naps! Each nap she tolerated it less and less, but at least she saw the inside of her crib! And with any luck, she'll see even more of it from now on.

3. She's 8 lbs., 10 oz. now, which means she gained a pound in 10 days!

4. Trying to get her to drink her bottle on a schedule is going to be hard! When she wakes up hungry two HOURS before her next feeding -- like she did today -- it's torture to watch her cry and cry and cry. This of course leads to tears on my part and boy oh boy am I sick of the post-partum weepies!
Anyway, I know this has to be done, just like the slow transition to her own bed/bedroom. So, I just have to do it. Man up, Tanika!

5. She gets cuter and cuter every day. Especially since packing on the pound (ha-ha), which filled out some of the newborn wrinkles in her face. I can't stop kissing her face. Which also makes the feeding schedule hard, because every time I kiss her little cheeks, she thinks I'm food, and starts rooting. Awww. Poor thing.

6. Nursing is officially done. And I can't stop crying about it. I feel so many ways about my inability to nurse my baby and some of the feelings are in direct opposition to one another. Completely crazy, right? It's also hard because people keep asking me how it's going. And some people are quite opinionated about how I decided to handle things. But mostly I just hope that, if Clair reads this sometime in her future, she'll know that I wanted to nurse her. I wanted to give her the very best of everything, even from the start. And I couldn't or didn't, for many reasons, but I love her fiercely, and I'll work hard every day of my life to nourish her with my love.
(And Enfamil. :-) )

P.S. Ugh! These darn weepies! Man up, Tanika!! Ugh!